Beautiful Storm

Yesterday I made dinner and took it over to my boyfriends house. We ate and watched a movie and in true Colorado fashion the weather couldn't make up its mind. One minute it would be a downpour the next clear skies. After the movie (around 9:30 pm) we decided to tempt the weather and go for a walk. It started out just a light misting and that wasn't enough to make us turn around and go back. We listened to the thunder and watched the lightning as we walked and as we got farther and farther away from his apartment the rain began to really come down. Needless to say we got soaked! It was so much fun though, would not have traded that for anything. Holding his hand in the middle of a thunderstorm while walking through the rain seems like such a small thing but there was something about it that made it so special. Thank you Steven for that memory.

Lessons...that keep on coming

Patience and trust or the lack there of have sort of been a running theme between God and myself for just about as long as I can remember and lately He has brought them up again. Just when I think I've got a handle on something God shows me that actually I don't. The thing is I know He does but remembering that sometimes is the hardest thing in the world. I know He knows what is best and how everything will pan out but waiting long enough to see it all work out the way its supposed to and trusting that even if its not how I saw it that its still the best plan is killer. There it is again, patience and trust. God is my perfect father who wants only what is best for me and I have to remember that even if I don't see it.

Blessed

Its been a while since I've posted and part of that is I didn't feel like I had much to say. I didn't want my blog to be filled with everything that has been going south in my life, so I just didn't write at all. Then the other day a friend of mine blessed me simply by offering to help and he didn't back down when I put up my walls and with a smile turned down his help. He persisted and as small a thing as it was it meant the world to me. Then it hit me...I have something to write about and have had this whole time. I have the blessings of friends and family to write about.
Last night after that conversation I felt tears well up in my eyes, yes I'm a crier, but these were good tears. I thought back on the last few weeks and how many times my friends have wrapped their arms around me in so many different ways. Some just listen to me when I need to vent, or just when I'm talkative. Some walk me through the hard stuff and let me cry on their shoulders when I feel like my heart is breaking and everything is falling apart. Some just hang out with me for no reason other than to just hang...and in all these ways I feel embraced...loved.
How did I end up being so blessed? To have friends that laugh with me, and cry with me. Friends that aren't afraid to call me out on my wrong and who are ready to remind me how God sees me. I am unworthy to be blessed so greatly with loved ones that give me so much and I don't even think they realize how much they mean to me. Some day I hope to repay all of them with even an iota of the blessing that all of them have been to me.

One step at a time

It amazes me how much God can teach a person in as short of an amount of time as a month. Yes....I have had another epiphany. This one though is about my future and the fact that I worry incessantly about it. I mull over what could and might happen, then I mull it over some more, then I begin to worry and worry and then sooner or later stress settles in and I start sprouting gray hairs. I'm not joking about the gray hair. That really does happen when I get stressed. Anyway that's beside the point. Lately I have worried about my finances, my job, my dad and a bunch of other things and it has been driving me nuts.
Yesterday I had a really good chat with a friend and basically he told me to knock it off. He said I needed to enjoy every day as it came and stop worrying myself sick (literally) because it wasn't doing anyone any good. Till now I wasn't able or willing to hear that but last night it really sunk in deep and took hold. Have fun, he told me. Laugh, smile...take every day one day at a time. such a basic concept but so novel to me. One of my other friends said something that i thought was rather good she said: It doesn't mean that you don't think about the future...just that when you do its not in a worrying way. You have to change HOW you think about it and with that learn to live in the moment and enjoy where you're at.
For the past two years or more I have always looked ahead and said to myself, "If only I can get there...I can relax an enjoy myself." What about now? what about today? Why put all my energy into next week when I still have this week to live? This isn't to say that all my cares go out the window and I live a totally care free life...no. this just means I prioritize and select what to worry about and how much worrying I allot to it. Does that make sense?
I can't tell you how relieved I felt today waking up after theses conversations. It seriously felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders and I was suddenly free from something I had been carrying around for far too long.

But God....!

In the last month and a half I have a done a lot of thinking, re-evaluating, and self examination and let me tell you its been a ride. Not necessarily a fun or pleasant one, but a ride none the less. I have learned so much about me and how I fit into my faith and my life. I have learned to see me more and more how God sees me, and how I have got to trust in Him fully and completely.
All that amazingness brings me to today as I sit here trying to hash out my thoughts clearly enough so its not just a jumbled mess of words showing up on the computer screen. Why is it when you ask God to give you patience He seems to always send something or someone into your life that pushes every boundary of your patience to its limit and then some? Why when you ask God for strength he puts such obstacles in your way it seems there's no way to win? Those questions I have had for a long time and sometimes I ask them more than others but lately the question for me is, why is it when I ask God for peace and a calming of my heart and soul does he put more events in my life that make me worry till I'm sick? I just don't get it. I know there is a reason and I know all the cliche answers, but when you are in it its hard to hear any of that.
I can almost hear the conversation in my head.

"Okay God here is whats going on and here is what I need. Take this away so I can go on with life and so I can feel okay and whatnot. Please God. I really don't understand why this is in my life so just...take it. Please." I sit and wait and then there is a gentle, strong, powerful reply.
"I sent this to make you realize you have to call on me every second of every day. You need to remember that you need me in every aspect of your life."
"But God..."
"You can't just rub the lamp and state your wish and poof...voila there you go." His voice is gentle and beautiful but strong and I can hear a hint of chastising. Does that stop me? no!
"But...but God you said that if I asked..."
"Dearest beloved daughter, I'm not a magic genie. I am your father." His voice gets a little more stern now, "I want what is best for you and I can see the bigger picture. Trust in me and keep coming to me."
"But you said!" I sound like a three year old now and am almost ready to stomp my foot in frustration.
"I said ask and you will receive, yes that is true. Did I say it would be immediate?" His voice is still gentle but now I can hear the reproach a lot more clearly. its like he just stood up out of his throne and took a step towards me, "Did I say you would get exactly what you wanted the way you wanted?"
I shake my head, " No...but..."
"But nothing! Dear, beloved daughter, you MUST trust in me!" His voice booms for a moment then the soft stillness comes back along with a fatherly smile," Trust that I see everything. Trust that I want joy and beauty for you. Trust that I love you more than anyone on the earth, and know that in the end everything will be its best." at this point what can I say to that? he reaches out cupping my face with his hands kissing my forehead then looks me in the eyes. His eyes seem to pierce to my very soul and I tremble, not out of fear but awe.
"Beautiful soul, in the end it will be what is best if you trust in me. You may not understand how what happens can be the best or you may but either way, Daughter, you must believe that I know what I am doing in your life and in the grand scheme of things." He smiles again then lets me go to ponder and reflect.

With that conversation in my mind I step out of the throne room of God and then, seconds later, I start mulling it over and I get right back on my But Why horse! its amazing how dense we as humans can be. Amazingly frustrating is more like it. I don't know how God puts up with it...really I don't.
So today I am learning to go to God every time I need to instead of waiting till it all builds up into a massive explosions of yeah buts. I know that in most ways this is the exact same conclusion that I came to a few days back in my last post. Its a hard lesson to learn and even harder to remember because I want it all right now but like He said...He knows everything and in the end...it will be its best

To Remember and Embrace

Colossians 3:17

And whatever you do in word or deed,
do all in the name of the Lord Jesus,
giving thanks to God the Father through Him.

I am trying to remember this daily. I am to reflect Christ in good or bad. In the storm or sunshine I am to give thanks to God because He is good and loves me no matter what I may see or feel. The last few days have tested me in this and I am afraid I might have failed. I cried out with a "why" and an "I don't understand" when I should have lifted my face to God and added "but you know best and I will trust in you." This is always hard for me because I want to know. I have always been that way. I want reasons whenever anyone does anything that involves me. In the last 48 hours God has taken me by the hand and said, "trust me my child. I love you and through this pain you will come out more refined. Trust me my child." I am always amazed how patient He is with me. I keep falling on my face and he picks me up, brushes me off, and takes me by the hand once more. He is truly an amazing God. That being said even this morning I found myself questioning, and wanting more definite answers. Then He came along side me and reminded me of this:

Jeremiah 29:11
For I know the plans I have for you says the LORD.
Plans to prosper you and not to harm you.
Plans to give you a hope and a future

Oh how quickly I forget all the promises He has given me through His word! I only see a pinprick of time and I get so focused on that tiny spot that I can't back up and see the whole brilliant night sky with all its constellations, beauty and its entirety. I see one star and cry out because I don't understand how this works into the rest of the cosmos. Why is it so hard to remember that what I want, what I think I need, what I see as being best, may not be God's plan for my life. Then again it might be but He might have a different way of putting it together than I would. I sigh with a smile and almost laugh because even while I am writing this I am battling with everything I know about God and His promises that I am working to remember and embrace. He is good and knows everything that is going on and is working out for the best. I am flawed and must raise my hands to Him hourly in surrender. Its just so hard sometimes.
~Meran~

Attitude of gratitude

The past few weeks I have been thinking a lot about how grateful I am or am not. I started weighing out the am's and am not's and then today it struck me how ungrateful I am about the things I should absolutely be grateful about. I know this is all a bit repetitive but bear with me for a minute longer. Today for instance I was talking with a friend about apartments and views from said apartments and in slight jest I said something about how terrible my view was and what not. Then it hit me so hard it almost hurt. Why am I complaining about anything about my apartment? I have a roof over my head, a bed to sleep on and plenty more like a couch, a nice dining room table, a TV, books, a computer, a fridge that has food in it and so on and so forth. How can I complain about anything having to do with my apartment when I have oh so much to be thankful for? You know I found myself actually getting mad with myself. How dare I complain about my view when you know...it really isn't that bad. How dare I complain about something so trivial when there are people in Joplin who have lost EVERYTHING over night and yet find things to be grateful for?

I could go on about the things in the past month or so that I have complained about that are so...there aren't even words for it. Is it really that hard to find something to be thankful for rather than complain about something else? It shouldn't be. My prayer with this frustration is God would take it and use it against my complaining and ungratefulness. I want Him to use me in any way that He would and will He choose to use me when I have a spirit of ungratefulness towards the things He has blessed me with? Personally...I don't really think so.

So where do I go from here, simply be grateful for that which I have been blessed with and stop looking at the negative side oh so much. Yep...a genuine attitude of gratitude....that's the goal.

Cramps...oh boy

Today I met with my personal trainer for the first time in three weeks. It was a great first time back but my body wasn't at all happy with me. I made it through though and decided to try some cardio and about 10 minutes into my stomach, sides, and legs started cramping up. its amazing how quickly ones body can fall out of all training. Well now that I'm through being sick and back on the workout train.

Starting a Brand New Schedual

As some of you know I have been sick off and on for a while. The last three weeks have been full of ups and downs for me that had me really frustrated. I didn't feel like I could get ahead of this cold. I would feel really good for a day or two then it would wipe me out again. I think in three weeks I worked out a whole of 3 times...maybe. Even though I have somewhat enjoyed the down time I know that along with my non working out came a steady diet of sweets, fast food, and everything that I have been trying to train my body away from. On Monday I decided to go to the doctor because I was sick of this roller coaster. Turns out I had bronchitis. So even though I had a legitimate excuse for not working out I had no excuse for the way I was eating. Sitting here today after breakfast I realize how absolutely easy it has been to slide right back into the habits that made me want to change my life nine months ago. If we don't actively check ourselves daily those nasty black habits jump as soon as they can and sink their hooks into you even deeper than the first time around.

Well the doctor had given me antibiotics and so I've been taking those for the last five days and the broncitis is finally clearing up. The cold still lingers a bit but that I can deal with. Come Monday I am back at the gym. I won't be starting exactly where I left off but I am planning to work up to it in a jiff. With that starting work is picking up as well. Putting my shoulder to the plow again is actually something I am looking forward to.

~Meran~

Another chink in my armor

This Poem isn't anything really great just my thoughts with a little flair to them. I went back and reread the post I put here back on January 22nd and I realize that I've only managed to act on half of what I said back then. Sure I aired my dirty laundry and said "so what" but the fallow through with the "so what" hasn't exactly come along very well. I was talking to a good friend last night and he pointed out that I was letting other things that happened to me define me, not so much what I myself did or didn't do. He told me (in nicer words mind you) to get over myself and stop playing the victim because it was only doing more damage instead of keeping me safe like I thought. I didn't want to hear it but in all honesty he was absolutely right. For the entirety of my teen and adult life I've taken hold of painful things said and done to me and I've held them so close to my heart making this shield. Because of that I haven't been able to really reap all the amazing blessings that God has set around me through all my relationships. Even more than that, because of this barrier that I have managed to erect around myself, I haven't been everything God might have me be to my friends, my clients (I'm an in-home senior care provider), and my family. That is a tragedy and I am taking that next step so that God can use me in whatever capacity He sees fit. Like I said back in January, "I'm done with hiding from the past. The past was the past...the end. I am no longer my past. I am me, now, current. So who cares what happened back then...I don't any more." I am done with the past. I've let it chew on my long enough. So back to the poem. Here is where I was and where I have come to in a nutshell. After that big spiel the poem might be a bit repetitive but here it is anyway.

The Vision and The Truth

A blubbering idiot

that can't stay still or be quiet

A silly child

with fanciful dreams

A whimsical nothing

who would want to try it?

And if they did

they'd just pick up and leave

An uneahling heart

with damage extensive

Wallowing pain

that still knocks at the door

A martyr, a victim

thoughts morbid and pensive

too damaged goods

with a low ranking score

A beautiful child

of a God great and holy

One who is loved

past the smoke screens and scars

An image of truth

that Christs blood cleanses only

A healing redemption

sealing the lies behind bars

Feeling hurt and alone

may be part of this life

A cruelty

None can avoid

But Christ gives His hand

Sets us free from the strife

if we let him

He will keep us from being destroyed

The lesson I've learned

through the talks and the tears

Is to humans

I may not measure up

But my heavenly Father

throughout all my years

loves me

no matter what

So with the heartache I've come upon

and the wrongs I've endured

I can choose

If I let them define me

Or I can pick up the truth

vision no longer obscured

Taking Christ

Leaving the rest behind me

Getting Back

I'm slowly trying to get back into the swing of things and thanks to some encouragement I have managed that starting last night. I was planning on being a total bum, watching tv and eating food that wasn't by any means on my diet plan. I told a friend this and he reminded me of my other post...the one about no more excuses. I didn't want to listen to him but I couldn't ignore it. So I got off my butt and went to the gym. I was planning on being there for only about 20 minutes but ended up jogging for 30 and spent 10 minutes on the stair stepper. After that I relaxed in the the hot tub and steam room and did a few laps in the pool. I finally felt like I deserved ( at least somewhat) the sleep I have been craving. It was good so thanks Steven. Now I need to get back to normal. I am heading off to Zumba soon as well and hopefully I can jump right back on the wagon. Hopefully I will have kicked this cold to the curb completely by the end of the weekend so nothing will be holding me back.

Excuses...excuxes...ENOUGH!!!

So I just re-read the my last post on here and my pizza is turning in my stomach. I sounded so determined that last post and then after a few days of feeling a bit better this clod took me out of the work out scene yet again. However instead of standing by what I know is right and eating better even if I can't work out every day like I used to I ignore everything and chow down on Pizza and Oreos. I hate this! I am so freekin' good at making excuses for myself and then getting all bent out of shape when I gain a few pounds! I make myself so mad sometimes. Alright enough excuses. It might be the middle of the week but I am going to turn up the heat. I'm not going to make it to the gym ever day simply because my body is still under this wretched cold and I don't want to set my health back but I am taking control of my eating again. This is ridiculous. I can't let all these weeks of feeling great about myself and the progress I've made just because I feel like crap. Okay...venting is over. Back to life

Time to play catch up

So today I realize I have been calculating what I am having to do to get back into the swing of things. After a week of being out of any routine of working out or eating I have a feeling I will have a few extra pounds to work off and I am not looking forward to that. So I am going to try and enjoy my last few days of freedom and hit the treadmill hard come Monday.

This last week

Its been a while since I've been on a few things have happened in that time. First of all I visited home and that was so amazing. I loved seeing my family. The downside to visiting home was all the amazing food that everyone wanted to feed me. Despite the amazing food I did manage to workout every single day I was at home except Sunday. It felt really good staying on top of my working out and I actually managed to run 5 miles on my mom's treadmill!

So now for the downside of my visit. I started feeling under the weather when I first got there and it went downhill from there. By Sunday I was really feeling under the weather and my stomach wasn't letting me digest anything. I was hoping that I would be feeling alright to go to work on Monday but Sunday around 11:00pm or so it took another nasty downswing and that's where I've been till yesterday. Things started looking up in the health department for me. Today I have a remnant of the cough and sniffles but other than that I'm good to go :D

~Meran~

This Blasted Spring!

Spring though in the past has been a beloved season of mine has officially found a very comfortable perch on my bad side. I'm not going to say I hate it over all but it is really messing with my new life that I am trying to make in for myself in the fitness realm. Okay I can almost see a huge "how?" on a few of your faces so let me explain. As some of you know I have asthma that till now I was sure was all sports induced and a bit of second hand smoking well I think its just added one more irritant to its list...spring. I don't know what is coming up this year or maybe I just didn't notice it as much last year but some combination of something during this season this year has got my inhaler practically defeated and its irritating me. Today I struggled to make myself even go to the gym at all and once I was there getting through 30 minutes of jogging felt like an eternity. Its one thing to battle your legs to push through pain or stiffness or just plain laziness and its another thing to try and get your lungs to work harder than they want to. I am resolved in my mind to push through this but my will is fading fast and that is worrisome to me. I gained a few pounds this last week and it was all of my own doing I know but that doesn't help the situation this week any better. I just need to take a deep breath and not let spring be the master of me.

Good Friday

I am writing a series of Poems and I realize I'm a day behind but that's okay, anyway, I wanted to take the focus off of my weight for a moment and reflect on what this coming holiday is all about. Jesus and the love he had for us, enough to die in our place. That is so amazing and something I know I don't think about as often as I should, so I wrote this poem, the first of three.

Good Friday

Salty and bitter

weeping a plea

a rock for an alter

sorrow a sea

Sleeping not vigilant

to slumber they go

forgetting their duties

heads bowing low

Bloody the droplets

perspiring grief

A lamb to the slaughter

a kiss from a thief

Frightened and angered

dispersing they hide

Allegiance to Jesus

Three times one denied

With death on their lips

a crowd screaming blood

the guilty go free

an unworthy flood

Lashes in flesh

Crimson does rain

Mocking is heard

Over screaming and pain

Golgotha the hillside

the mount of the scull

where wretches and sinners

for wrongs pay in full

Nails through the hands

thorns on the head

they watched as the savior

soon would be dead

Face lifted up

chocking on words

The son of God died

among peasants and lords

Its actually Okay

Well today I had a nice solid kick in the pants at the gym. I was expecting to only have lost about a pound this week but you know...I actually gained two. For the first time in my weight battle gaining that two pounds didn't make me totally fall apart. I looked at that 190 and said, "Okay I'll have to work harder this week." and that was that. It was an incredible feeling. Throughout the morning and I was trying to think why I had gained those two pounds and I realized there were several reasons for it. First my working out fell short this week compared to the last few. I was 20 minutes late to my spin class on Monday. On Tuesday I struggled to get through 30 minutes of jogging and even then was on a slower pace than normal. I had to get off the treadmill belt a few times as well. On Wednesday I did my usual routine but I didn't put my soul into it and that is important. Thursday I did okay with my workout but Friday I didn't at all. So as you can see that was one factor for the weight gain. The second reason was my eating. I was eating the sugar free chocolate like nothing else this week. Even if I didn't go over my calorie count the calories I did eat were empty worthless and very bad for me. All of these combined with a splurge at Ihop made for a 2 pound gain but I am not discouraged.

Actually I am kind of glad it happened. With 6 weeks of straight weight loss I was beginning to have the mindset that almost no matter what I was doing I was going to loos weight and that isn't so at all as anyone knows. So this was a good reminder that I have to work hard and work diligently if I am to keep loosing weight. I needed that kick in the pants, that very real reminder that without the constant relying on God I can't do this. I can't get to the health that I want to be at and I can't loose the weight I want to. God has to be my center if it about weight or any other aspect of my life and that 190 glaring back at me today on the scale just reminded me of that. So even with the weight gain I am okay and in a funny way sort of glad for it. I needed that reminder and it has given me a brand new fire to go out and tackle this week with a vengeance.

First time for everything

Yesterday I managed to run 3 miles outside. You wouldn't think it would make much of a difference but running outside is SO much harder than running on a treadmill. It was great though. now I know I could run a 5k! God is good :D

Oh Boy...

Well today I was 20 minutes late to my spin class so I tried to compensate for time lost by really really pushing myself and my body had the last laugh with that one. It started cramping up so badly I had to stop a few minutes early to try and settle it down. Yeah, then I started walking home even though my car was in the parking lot. That can't be a good start to this week. Deep breath, now I embark on a really long week at work. I pray God gives me the endurance to face what I am afraid might be a rather sleepless week as He has done with my running. Don't get me wrong I am glad I have the hours to work. God has provided for me greatly and I'm not trying to complain I'm really not. I'll keep you posted on how everything is going and you know it might not be half as bad as I think its going to be. Lets hope so :D
~Meran~

Oh My Gosh!

I can't write for long but I wanted to post this now that my hands are stable enough to actually type...I just ran three miles!!!! I was running my time on the treadmill and wanted to push for 40 minutes and when I got off I realized I had jogged for three miles!!! I am so excited. And this comes after jogging on the treadmill for ten minutes and having an asthma attack then I took a 5 minute break to get my inhaler and to let my lungs get back to functioning correctly then back on the treadmill I went and I managed three miles!!! so if you ignore the 5 minute break I actually jogged four miles today! Holy cow! It feels amazing!

placing the praise where it belongs

This week has been a good steady week for me emotionally and in every other aspect and for that I am grateful. Last week wasn't so good. I mean don't get me wrong I staid to the diet and I worked my butt off but emotionally I was really sort of all over the place and I don't know why. God had been really showing me his mercy this week with practically killing all my cravings for "bad" food and just giving me the peace I needed to get through this week. He strengthened me to be able to really hit the gym hard and well every day and a good attitude to go with it. I don't think I've been giving Him the praise He deserves in my weight loss success. God is the reason I've made it this far without totally falling off the wagon and gaining all the weight back. God is the reason I have any sort of self control when it comes to food and God is the one who every single day reminds me that I have someone beside me, holding my hand, when no one else can. God is my rock through this journey and I just wanted to remind myself, and you, of that.
~Meran~

One Goal down!

This last weigh in I was literally jumping for joy around the gym. Why? The first number on my weight no longer is a 2. I am 198! some may say that's splitting hairs but if I were 199.9 I would be just as excited. I haven't been under 200 lbs for four years and to finally put that number behind me feels liek a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. its amazing!

A reality check

Let me give a little history. Before I started working out and loosing weight one of the jokes I pulled quite often was, " well maybe I should join the biggest looser." one of the main reasons I said this was because every time my mom would rebuttal with something like, "don;t even say that. you aren't nearly big enough to be on that show." It was a way to make myself fee better.

Now we come to the present. About a week ago I was watching Biggest Loser and there was a woman on there and when she started she was only about five lbs heavier than I was when I first started. It really hit me. I was big enough. I was big enough to be on a show about the grossly obese people and that really forced me to look at myself much more realistically. I am down 35 lbs today from when I started and I'm so glad but I still have too look back and remind myself where I actually was

So Close

I got on the scale today expecting to maybe have lost a pound or so if I was lucky. Why you ask. Because this week I've been battling a cold and during my workouts haven't exactly been giving my all. For instance my average workout a day was about 25 minutes. Horrible I know. So now you understand my hesitation when weighing in today, well, that hesitation was for not. I lost 3 lbs last week and honestly I don't know how but I am stoked. I am now officially 201.2 and only 2 lbs away from being under 200!!!!! I'm so close...so close!

I can't believe I'm saying this!

I have never been much for working out and actually in the past I have done everything in my power to avoid it so this is strange for me to hear coming out of my own mouth...its hard to not work out! So on Friday I told you all I might have over done it and that was very true. Saturday morning I woke up with a cough and a really sore throat. Bad news. so I decided to take it easy over the weekend and see how I was feeling on Monday. well as far as working out I took it easy but in the sleep department I didn't take it easy at all. Friday I didn't get to bed till around 10 pm then Saturday with daylight savings and that whole mess I didn't get to bed till about 12:30 am and then was up by 7:00 am to bake monkey bread for my morning small group.

To say the least my body isn't happy with me at all. So yesterday I climbed stairs for 20 minutes for my workout and even though I worked up quite a sweat I didn't feel like I had done all that much. I guess that's what I get for running 2 1/2 miles. nothing quite feels like its enough of a workout now. Anyway I got up today and I felt like I'd been run over by a train. I was going to take today off from working out as well and then after about a half hour of being up and doing nothing I just couldn't not work out at all. I felt guilty for even thinking it. so I got out one of my workout videos and just finished that. I still feel like its way...WAY far behind the jogging that I had worked up to but at least its something. My goal this week...simply not gain. If I lose weight that would just be icing on the cake a this point.

R and R please

Let me start off by saying today was a really good day. I got home from work and did a little cleaning, walked to the post office and grocery store and baked a cake. I didn't have to rush through any of it because I have a three day weekend and I got to enjoy the absolutely beautiful weather that God provided for us today.

Even with today's wonderful normal no rush pace, I am realizing that this last week has got me thoroughly exhausted. This morning I felt it a little bit but after four miles of walking earlier and now getting back from Zumba I am just about ready to collapse where I sit. Its a good sort of ready to collapse though, I feel that I deserve it this time around. I know that sounds a bit...odd but its the truth. most days before when I would I feel tired it was simply because my body didn't know what else to do other than be tired. Today that willingness to surrender to sleep completely comes with a smile and a thought that this week I done good. I worked out every day, I ate well, and I managed to get quite a bit done.

That being said I think I am going to wash the dishes, take a nice long soak in the tub and then sleep for as long as my body will allow

3/4/2011

I did it! I jogged two consecutive miles without stopping. My legs feel like noodles and I feel like I might loose whatever remains from my dinner last night but it feels great!

One down...two tackled....three here I come!!!

I shake a little as I write this with a smile that might pull a few muscles in my face but I can't bring myself to stop. I just got home from my workout but today there was something amazing about it. I just finished a two mile jog! I still can hardly believe it. I have to confess I did there was a minute to minute and a half break between mile one and two but that doesn't color its amazingness in my eyes. Let me explain why this is such a big deal for me. The last time I was even capable of jogging for a two miles without collapsing and dry heaving till everything ached was back in Jr. High when I plaid basket ball and was way...way more active than any time in my adult life. Its been nine years people, since I could hold out for more than a time or two up and down the basket ball court. If I wasn't sweating out all the liquids in my body right now I might start crying. My next step, jogging that blasted two miles without stopping. I can't even believe I am thinking that is a possibility....its such a good day!

Back on the horse

Two weeks ago I had let myself just go. I didn't work out and I ate whatever I wanted. All that resulted in me gaining 4 lbs and feeling like crap. I didn't even want to try again but after a long chat with my mom I got back in the saddle so to speek. This last week I took up jogging whenever the weather was nice enough and went to the gym when it wasn't. I watched what I was eating but I didn't go all food Natzi. I ate in moderation worked out in moderation and it payed off. I'm now 5 lbs lighter and it feels great!

Lift

The other day I was jogging uphill and I was feeling a serious burn in my legs. Ready to stop and turn around my Ipod changed songs and the song that came on almost made me cry. it felt like the singer was talking directly to me. See the dongs on my ipod were loaded on by my sister so I had actually never heard this song before and it was that extra umph that I needed to push through the burning in my legs and the pain in my side to complete the one mile jog I had set out to do. I know to most of you one mile probably doesn't seem like very much at all but to me its a mile marker at this point. It felt exhilarating to push through everything and complete what I had put my mind to.

Click to listen to Lift

Now For A Deep Breath

today was the first day in years where I went running and by the end of my first ten minutes my lungs weren't screaming for me to stop. I could take deep breaths all the way through my jog and it felt amazing. Plus just going out and running today felt really good because this week has been a total bust. I have worked out a grand total of twice and I've been eating like crap. I'm actually kind of terrified of what the scale is going to tell me, but its no one's fault but my own.

Fingers crossed

I think I might have over done it this week. I have been working out every single day this week and I have been really watching what I eat but it might have been too much. I know my body and when it senses that I am doing too much to it and cutting out too much food it holds on to every ounce of fat it can. I just hope that on Saturday when I weigh in I do drop because I don't know if I could come back strong after this week if my weight hasn't dropped by at least 3 lbs. Deep breath. Lets all cross our fingers and hope that this week of total self control, discipline and hard work will pay off.

One small step for abs...

One giant leap for killing fat! This wont be long because I have to scram to work but what I wanted to say is for the first time since I have had the Hip Hop Abs workouts (three years and counting) today I managed to complete one of the hardest workouts in the set without only doing half of what he says a third of the way through! I stuck it out and man it was hard but so...so worth it. I didn't say forget this and quit. I Powered through to the very end and sure my muscles are screaming at me but its a good feeling. Finally I can do the one workout I wasn't ever able to complete...I guess I am making progress :D

You are what you eat

I can't believe its been a week since I last posted, but time does fly. Anyway, Today I went to meet with my personal trainer and we were chatting over squats and lounges and we got onto the topic of how so many people think that just because they work out they can eat whatever and still loose weight. Well at least that's what I thought...honest. It was stupid but its what I talked myself into believing. What would happen is I would bust my butt at the gym for a solid hour then go and eat a hamburger and then I would get all discouraged and eat ice cream and forget the gym. About the middle of the conversation she chuckled and said, " yeah well you know what they say, you are what you eat," and that is so true. I have been eating very well this last week, I've been trying to stay active and its proving that I am what I eat...shrinking! I am now only 10 lbs away from being in the 100's! Its been years since I was anywhere near the 100's. I am so happy and motivated even more now that the goal is in sight

3.5

I lost 3 1/2 lbs this week! I feel amazing and let me tell you it wasn't the easiest week ever. I cheated on my eating plan but I counteracted that with a few great workouts and they payed off! the pest plan, of course, is to stick to ones eating plan but all of us know that sometimes we fall off the wagon. the difference is if we stay off the wagon or not. anyway that's all for today....ok one more thing...God is so good!

Feeling strong

I don't have much to say today but I feel good and I wanted to share that. I just got back from a good jog and I feel sort of empowered. For the first time since high school I jogged for 10 minutes straight, outside, and uphill. Sure my asthma chimed in but I powered through it. I walked for a while then jogged some more and all in all I was working out for 40 minutes. Tomorrow I go to weigh myself...cross your fingers for me.

Me, the real me

I started this whole loosing weight / getting into shape thing as a way to start a new life. Actually that goes back even farther. I came to Colorado so that I could leave everything about my life that I hated and start fresh. I wanted to start with new people who knew nothing about me so I could be whomever I chose to be. Then I started this new eating program so that I could be my best in every way. God gave me this body to take care of and I abused it with food and let it get out of control. Now I'm trying to renovate but I realized something today. I can paint and repaint the door of the closet as many times as I want but that doesn't change the fact that the shelves inside the closet are filled with trash and things that I am ashamed to let people see.

I might be mistaken but isn't part of being a Christian being transparent? I think so. Back to the closet analogy, why is it that when there are stains in carpet or knicks in the walls we try desperately to cover them up so that no one can see them? Why cant we simply admit that we made a bad decision that resulted in stain or a hole that we have to just live with now? am I totally talking in riddles that only I understand?

As humans, as Christians, why do we try an bury our past hoping that no one ever finds out those dirty little secrets? why cant we admit that we are screwups outside of the grace of God? I started this eating program wanting to be who God is making me be but I realized all I am doing is running from who I was. So here it is, full disclosure.

For eight years I was addicted to pornography and only by Gods power was I able to stop. I have been clean from that for nearly a year and a half now and it feels great. In High School I was suicidal and tried killing myself even though I was the smily always cheerful daughter of the Church missionary. I nearly abandoned my faith when I was 16 because two of my close friends passed away. There it is, my dirty laundry. I'm done with it. I am putting it in a bag and taking it to the dumpster because it is not who I am any more.

If anyone is reading this who knows me they may be totally shocked and then again they may shrug and say it wasn't all that bad. Either way I am done covering up these stains and pretending they aren't there all the while terrified someone would find out. I was who I was but that isn't me any more. I am who God is making me and I am proud of that. No more hiding and wondering how people would act around me if they knew my secrets. no more. I'm done with hiding from the past. The past was the past...the end. I am no longer my past. I am me, now, current. So who cares what happened back then...I don't any more.

Food glorious food!

Everyone says that diets leave you hungry all the time but I have just proven them wrong! I had chicken with, onions, peppers, mushrooms and a HUGE salad! it was so delicious and filling. I also was able to find a few sugar free deserts that are going to really help me stick to this eating program

A Realization

I have realized something about myself that has really made me stop and take stock of how I see myself, how I think God sees me. Even though I know I am on my way to a healthier life style I struggle so much with, for a lack of a better way to say it, self esteem. I can't seem to see myself as the beautiful child of God that my heavenly father sees and loves. I can't bring myself to admit that I am just fine the way God made me, that I'm best the way God made me. The feeling of inadequacy just slaps me out of no where and I lash out against it, well at least I try.
I have realized that the way I lash out is by drastically changing something about myself that I know everyone will notice. I want to be seen, and commented on so that I don't feel so inadequate, so invisible. I always would say that I did it because, I just wanted to but now that I am trying to look at my life through the right filters I realize how scared I am of being just me. That's part of the reason I am where I am now. Sweets were my best friend because they always delivered what I was expecting, they never ignored me or told me to be quiet. I know this sounds crazy but its an epiphany I needed to have. God loves me so much and that should be more than enough for me but for some reason to my human heart it just isn't.
So now that everything is said, I am reevaluating. I need to accept, no embrace the unconditional love of my savior no matter how I "feel" at that moment. He loves me. From now on, that's enough. I'm leaving in the horrendous orange that the bleach left behind as a reminder that stepping out doesn't always have the desired effect. it could go horribly wrong and look disgusting. Did that make sense?

~Meran~

From the Holidays to Real Life

I have never said this before but I am honestly glad the holidays are over. I am always glad for an excuse to give presents and bake abundant amounts of goodies and the holidays are the perfect time for that. However, this year was the first year where I was trying to eat right during this time of merriment. It was practically murder this year and I avoided baking because I couldn't eat any of the goodies. I admit I did fall off the wagon for two weeks but now that I am back on I am saying for the first time in my life, I am glad the holidays are over. I am getting back on my eating plan and staying on it for good this time.
The holidays are great fun but now its back to real life for me and real life is this. I am 97 lbs over weight, I have a history of heart problems in my family, and the fact is if I don't get this under control it is very possible I could give myself type two diabetes and or have a heart attack before I'm 70. I may not be clinically spot on with these assessments of my health but it can't be far off. So this is my reality check and back to real life it is.