Blessed

Its been a while since I've posted and part of that is I didn't feel like I had much to say. I didn't want my blog to be filled with everything that has been going south in my life, so I just didn't write at all. Then the other day a friend of mine blessed me simply by offering to help and he didn't back down when I put up my walls and with a smile turned down his help. He persisted and as small a thing as it was it meant the world to me. Then it hit me...I have something to write about and have had this whole time. I have the blessings of friends and family to write about.
Last night after that conversation I felt tears well up in my eyes, yes I'm a crier, but these were good tears. I thought back on the last few weeks and how many times my friends have wrapped their arms around me in so many different ways. Some just listen to me when I need to vent, or just when I'm talkative. Some walk me through the hard stuff and let me cry on their shoulders when I feel like my heart is breaking and everything is falling apart. Some just hang out with me for no reason other than to just hang...and in all these ways I feel embraced...loved.
How did I end up being so blessed? To have friends that laugh with me, and cry with me. Friends that aren't afraid to call me out on my wrong and who are ready to remind me how God sees me. I am unworthy to be blessed so greatly with loved ones that give me so much and I don't even think they realize how much they mean to me. Some day I hope to repay all of them with even an iota of the blessing that all of them have been to me.

One step at a time

It amazes me how much God can teach a person in as short of an amount of time as a month. Yes....I have had another epiphany. This one though is about my future and the fact that I worry incessantly about it. I mull over what could and might happen, then I mull it over some more, then I begin to worry and worry and then sooner or later stress settles in and I start sprouting gray hairs. I'm not joking about the gray hair. That really does happen when I get stressed. Anyway that's beside the point. Lately I have worried about my finances, my job, my dad and a bunch of other things and it has been driving me nuts.
Yesterday I had a really good chat with a friend and basically he told me to knock it off. He said I needed to enjoy every day as it came and stop worrying myself sick (literally) because it wasn't doing anyone any good. Till now I wasn't able or willing to hear that but last night it really sunk in deep and took hold. Have fun, he told me. Laugh, smile...take every day one day at a time. such a basic concept but so novel to me. One of my other friends said something that i thought was rather good she said: It doesn't mean that you don't think about the future...just that when you do its not in a worrying way. You have to change HOW you think about it and with that learn to live in the moment and enjoy where you're at.
For the past two years or more I have always looked ahead and said to myself, "If only I can get there...I can relax an enjoy myself." What about now? what about today? Why put all my energy into next week when I still have this week to live? This isn't to say that all my cares go out the window and I live a totally care free life...no. this just means I prioritize and select what to worry about and how much worrying I allot to it. Does that make sense?
I can't tell you how relieved I felt today waking up after theses conversations. It seriously felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders and I was suddenly free from something I had been carrying around for far too long.

But God....!

In the last month and a half I have a done a lot of thinking, re-evaluating, and self examination and let me tell you its been a ride. Not necessarily a fun or pleasant one, but a ride none the less. I have learned so much about me and how I fit into my faith and my life. I have learned to see me more and more how God sees me, and how I have got to trust in Him fully and completely.
All that amazingness brings me to today as I sit here trying to hash out my thoughts clearly enough so its not just a jumbled mess of words showing up on the computer screen. Why is it when you ask God to give you patience He seems to always send something or someone into your life that pushes every boundary of your patience to its limit and then some? Why when you ask God for strength he puts such obstacles in your way it seems there's no way to win? Those questions I have had for a long time and sometimes I ask them more than others but lately the question for me is, why is it when I ask God for peace and a calming of my heart and soul does he put more events in my life that make me worry till I'm sick? I just don't get it. I know there is a reason and I know all the cliche answers, but when you are in it its hard to hear any of that.
I can almost hear the conversation in my head.

"Okay God here is whats going on and here is what I need. Take this away so I can go on with life and so I can feel okay and whatnot. Please God. I really don't understand why this is in my life so just...take it. Please." I sit and wait and then there is a gentle, strong, powerful reply.
"I sent this to make you realize you have to call on me every second of every day. You need to remember that you need me in every aspect of your life."
"But God..."
"You can't just rub the lamp and state your wish and poof...voila there you go." His voice is gentle and beautiful but strong and I can hear a hint of chastising. Does that stop me? no!
"But...but God you said that if I asked..."
"Dearest beloved daughter, I'm not a magic genie. I am your father." His voice gets a little more stern now, "I want what is best for you and I can see the bigger picture. Trust in me and keep coming to me."
"But you said!" I sound like a three year old now and am almost ready to stomp my foot in frustration.
"I said ask and you will receive, yes that is true. Did I say it would be immediate?" His voice is still gentle but now I can hear the reproach a lot more clearly. its like he just stood up out of his throne and took a step towards me, "Did I say you would get exactly what you wanted the way you wanted?"
I shake my head, " No...but..."
"But nothing! Dear, beloved daughter, you MUST trust in me!" His voice booms for a moment then the soft stillness comes back along with a fatherly smile," Trust that I see everything. Trust that I want joy and beauty for you. Trust that I love you more than anyone on the earth, and know that in the end everything will be its best." at this point what can I say to that? he reaches out cupping my face with his hands kissing my forehead then looks me in the eyes. His eyes seem to pierce to my very soul and I tremble, not out of fear but awe.
"Beautiful soul, in the end it will be what is best if you trust in me. You may not understand how what happens can be the best or you may but either way, Daughter, you must believe that I know what I am doing in your life and in the grand scheme of things." He smiles again then lets me go to ponder and reflect.

With that conversation in my mind I step out of the throne room of God and then, seconds later, I start mulling it over and I get right back on my But Why horse! its amazing how dense we as humans can be. Amazingly frustrating is more like it. I don't know how God puts up with it...really I don't.
So today I am learning to go to God every time I need to instead of waiting till it all builds up into a massive explosions of yeah buts. I know that in most ways this is the exact same conclusion that I came to a few days back in my last post. Its a hard lesson to learn and even harder to remember because I want it all right now but like He said...He knows everything and in the end...it will be its best

To Remember and Embrace

Colossians 3:17

And whatever you do in word or deed,
do all in the name of the Lord Jesus,
giving thanks to God the Father through Him.

I am trying to remember this daily. I am to reflect Christ in good or bad. In the storm or sunshine I am to give thanks to God because He is good and loves me no matter what I may see or feel. The last few days have tested me in this and I am afraid I might have failed. I cried out with a "why" and an "I don't understand" when I should have lifted my face to God and added "but you know best and I will trust in you." This is always hard for me because I want to know. I have always been that way. I want reasons whenever anyone does anything that involves me. In the last 48 hours God has taken me by the hand and said, "trust me my child. I love you and through this pain you will come out more refined. Trust me my child." I am always amazed how patient He is with me. I keep falling on my face and he picks me up, brushes me off, and takes me by the hand once more. He is truly an amazing God. That being said even this morning I found myself questioning, and wanting more definite answers. Then He came along side me and reminded me of this:

Jeremiah 29:11
For I know the plans I have for you says the LORD.
Plans to prosper you and not to harm you.
Plans to give you a hope and a future

Oh how quickly I forget all the promises He has given me through His word! I only see a pinprick of time and I get so focused on that tiny spot that I can't back up and see the whole brilliant night sky with all its constellations, beauty and its entirety. I see one star and cry out because I don't understand how this works into the rest of the cosmos. Why is it so hard to remember that what I want, what I think I need, what I see as being best, may not be God's plan for my life. Then again it might be but He might have a different way of putting it together than I would. I sigh with a smile and almost laugh because even while I am writing this I am battling with everything I know about God and His promises that I am working to remember and embrace. He is good and knows everything that is going on and is working out for the best. I am flawed and must raise my hands to Him hourly in surrender. Its just so hard sometimes.
~Meran~