A Realization

I have realized something about myself that has really made me stop and take stock of how I see myself, how I think God sees me. Even though I know I am on my way to a healthier life style I struggle so much with, for a lack of a better way to say it, self esteem. I can't seem to see myself as the beautiful child of God that my heavenly father sees and loves. I can't bring myself to admit that I am just fine the way God made me, that I'm best the way God made me. The feeling of inadequacy just slaps me out of no where and I lash out against it, well at least I try.
I have realized that the way I lash out is by drastically changing something about myself that I know everyone will notice. I want to be seen, and commented on so that I don't feel so inadequate, so invisible. I always would say that I did it because, I just wanted to but now that I am trying to look at my life through the right filters I realize how scared I am of being just me. That's part of the reason I am where I am now. Sweets were my best friend because they always delivered what I was expecting, they never ignored me or told me to be quiet. I know this sounds crazy but its an epiphany I needed to have. God loves me so much and that should be more than enough for me but for some reason to my human heart it just isn't.
So now that everything is said, I am reevaluating. I need to accept, no embrace the unconditional love of my savior no matter how I "feel" at that moment. He loves me. From now on, that's enough. I'm leaving in the horrendous orange that the bleach left behind as a reminder that stepping out doesn't always have the desired effect. it could go horribly wrong and look disgusting. Did that make sense?

~Meran~