On that darned horse again

You know the saying, if the horse bucks you off get right back on it again. Well that's what I'm doing. I fell off the good-amount-calorie horse and so this week I am totally getting back on!

Trying not to look back

Today I weighed in and I wa a pound heavier than last week. to be honest I expected to have put on more with the way I was eating. Yeah last week wasn't all that good in the eating arena but I intend to do better this week. we will see. Right now I am trying to move forward and not look back at how horrible last week was because if I do that...I have a feeling this week will be just as bad

Sad and a little lost...but resilient none the less

Let me explain. Today I got off work and did a little shopping then went home and just chilled. So far it had been a good day. When evening set on I was going to go hang out with some friends and play a little ultimate Frisbee but that fell through so I ended up being home...alone...again. Maybe I should say it like that, but an unexplainable wave of sadness just swept me up and pulled me under before I could hardly process what was going on.

In that moment I felt so lonely I could hardly stand it. Have you ever had just one moment that comes and then leaves so quickly you hardly knew it was ever there, but the only way you did know was because of that horrible little hole it managed to leave in you? Maybe some of you would describe its unpleasant gift as a haze, or a bad taste. Today, for me, it felt like a hole. My mind went to everyone else out there that I know and I was thinking about all the interesting things they must be doing and even if what they were doing wasn't all that interesting, most likely they weren't doing it alone. Again that single moment came and the little hole started to hurt. I am not over exaggerating here, this is honestly how it felt and I could feel involuntary tears come to my eyes.

Why in the name of all that was good was I crying? Sure a planned event didn't exactly pan out, big whoop! It wasn't like anyone was going out of their way to leave me out intentionally. The second that thought slipped through my brain my eyes dropped down to my mid section. I kid you not. The thought that fallowed was...maybe they just didn't want to be around such a fatso. Oh my goodness! How obsurd is that!?!?

Thats when I found myself walking through the frozen isle at King Soopers and I got myself a pot pie that is loaded with calories and then got some Coke and checked out. I struggled to keep my tears dry while I was in the store, but once in the car did it matter all that much. I was alone and miserable and I was going to go stuff my face and who would care?! no one cares.

The strangest thing happened the second I put that pot pie in the oven, I straightened up and it felt like that motion had hit the reset button. What was wrong with me? I needed to pull myself out of this stupid self pity filled and totally irrational ditch! I needed to stand up and be the woman that I know God has made me and who is way stronger than this! I looked through my DVDs and found one of my favorite work out videos and stuck it in and did a full 30 minute work out.

Granted I didn't feel as worked as I do when I run on the treadmill or as sweaty as I do when I work with my personal trainer but my heart rate got up and stayed above 14o or so. The point though, at least tonight, was not that I burned X amount of calories or that I ran so far or so long without stopping. The point today was that I got out of my little self pity grave and did the work. Its like I said before, take pride in the little things. Today, I needed to take pride in the fact that I actually did a work out no matter what kind of a work out it was, and so I am. I am not proud I let my emotions drag me down so quickly like that, not at all, but I am proud of the fact that with a little help from my heavenly father I was able to stand up and do a little something to contribute. I was able to just have consistency in making myself work out. One step at a time.

I realize I am going to have those really bad days mixed in with the really good ones and then the average ones. The point though, is going to be not to dwell on the bad ones, but look forward to the good ones that are right there on the horizon.

Something insperational

Today has been a slow day starting but I was about to head to the gym when I heard this song and it struck a cord in me. I am a very musical person and so music has a way of touching me that nothing else can. My sister just recently told me that every day we need to find something, anything, to look forward to that we enjoy. Well I'm taking that one step farther. Every day on this journey I am going to try and find something, anything, for a spark of inspiration to reach my next goal. Today this song is what I needed to hear to set me on fire and do what I needed to do.

P.S. I just got back from the gym and I am pleased to report
I just ran my first 12 1/2 minute mile! Maybe that song
had more of an impact than I thought :-]

A tough time washed down with some good news

This last week has been, a trial in more ways than I can even count at this point. it felt like everything was caving in on me all at once including not being able to loose weight. For three weeks I didn't drop a single pound and I saw some pictures of me that were really discouraging. I felt even bigger than when I had started and I hate that feeling but sadly me knee jerk reaction is to eat more. Not good.

One of the highlights of my week though was a letter I got from my Grandma Walker. She praised me for the work I was doing and then also cautioned me to maybe try and take smaller steps, set smaller goals that I could reach and not get so discouraged so quickly. I thought about that and realized she was right. I still want to loose the 100 lbs in 12 months but what about in between? I started to really think about that and it raised a few questions. How do I get from 230 to 130? What are the stepps I need to take every day to get there? What are some micro goals that I could set for myself that I could reach in less than 12 months and be proud of? After thinking those questions over I finally came up with a few answers and they may not be what anyone is expecting but here they are.

I realized I needed to a) pace myself. at first I was burning 700 t0 1000 calories per workout and then only eating 1200 calories a day. That means my calorie deficit was between 1000 and 1300 calories. My body was literally going into starvation mode and holding on to everything after that first 4 lbs. So in pacing myself I mean, make myself stop working out after about a half hour to 45 minutes. That may sound strange, but after talking with my Personal Trainer, I realized that more is not always better. My second realization was that I needed to not totally beet myself up over a workout missed or a few hundred calories over my limit. I needed to take life as it came at me and if I did miss a workout to buck up and make sure I went the next day.

So this week I have not had a perfect run by any means. Since last Monday I missed a work out and only had two workouts over 35 minutes. I haven't been counting my calories, well at least not till yesterday, and I haven't even really been watching what I've been eating. I was in a slump, let me tell you, when I went to my session this morning, but to my amazement there was good news to be had. I had lost 4% body fat and not only that I had dropped another 2 lbs. I was so thrilled! That being said, now I need to get back on track and start counting calories again. if I just let myself go in the eating department I will stop seeing results. I guess the reason I shared all that with you was because even if you feel like you have really messed up its not a total waist. for me I lost 2 lbs during a week I was sure I had gained some. God has a funny sense of humor like that.