I was slacking....but no more

I know I haven't posted for a long while and I have many good and well not so excises for that but the actual reason I think lies with the holidays. Yes, we all know what the holiday season is like. first its Thanks Giving with all its amazing foods then we are eating leftovers for about a week after that then December sets in and well, the baking ensues.

Being someone who loves baking and not just eating the baked goods, this stretch in the holidays is usually the hardest for me and hence me not posting on here, I was ashamed. I really fell off the wagon in all sort of ways and started gaining my weight back and stopped going to the gym, even stopped meeting with my personal trainer. NOT GOOD!

But Now I am back and this time its for keeps. I have started instilling in myself some very strict eating habits and they seem to be helping. In the last two weeks I have been able to shed 9 lbs and feel great. I don't starve myself, actually I probably eat more actual food now than I did when I was pigging out. I know that doesn't sound right but its the truth. I'm not chowing down on candy bars, or fries or cake or a number of empty carbs any more. I am eating good, energy sustaining, healthful foods.

Maybe later I will let you all know exactly what I am doing but not now. Now its time to just say that I am back and in full swing. I am ready to tackle anything else the holidays might throw at me and come out victorious!

On that darned horse again

You know the saying, if the horse bucks you off get right back on it again. Well that's what I'm doing. I fell off the good-amount-calorie horse and so this week I am totally getting back on!

Trying not to look back

Today I weighed in and I wa a pound heavier than last week. to be honest I expected to have put on more with the way I was eating. Yeah last week wasn't all that good in the eating arena but I intend to do better this week. we will see. Right now I am trying to move forward and not look back at how horrible last week was because if I do that...I have a feeling this week will be just as bad

Sad and a little lost...but resilient none the less

Let me explain. Today I got off work and did a little shopping then went home and just chilled. So far it had been a good day. When evening set on I was going to go hang out with some friends and play a little ultimate Frisbee but that fell through so I ended up being home...alone...again. Maybe I should say it like that, but an unexplainable wave of sadness just swept me up and pulled me under before I could hardly process what was going on.

In that moment I felt so lonely I could hardly stand it. Have you ever had just one moment that comes and then leaves so quickly you hardly knew it was ever there, but the only way you did know was because of that horrible little hole it managed to leave in you? Maybe some of you would describe its unpleasant gift as a haze, or a bad taste. Today, for me, it felt like a hole. My mind went to everyone else out there that I know and I was thinking about all the interesting things they must be doing and even if what they were doing wasn't all that interesting, most likely they weren't doing it alone. Again that single moment came and the little hole started to hurt. I am not over exaggerating here, this is honestly how it felt and I could feel involuntary tears come to my eyes.

Why in the name of all that was good was I crying? Sure a planned event didn't exactly pan out, big whoop! It wasn't like anyone was going out of their way to leave me out intentionally. The second that thought slipped through my brain my eyes dropped down to my mid section. I kid you not. The thought that fallowed was...maybe they just didn't want to be around such a fatso. Oh my goodness! How obsurd is that!?!?

Thats when I found myself walking through the frozen isle at King Soopers and I got myself a pot pie that is loaded with calories and then got some Coke and checked out. I struggled to keep my tears dry while I was in the store, but once in the car did it matter all that much. I was alone and miserable and I was going to go stuff my face and who would care?! no one cares.

The strangest thing happened the second I put that pot pie in the oven, I straightened up and it felt like that motion had hit the reset button. What was wrong with me? I needed to pull myself out of this stupid self pity filled and totally irrational ditch! I needed to stand up and be the woman that I know God has made me and who is way stronger than this! I looked through my DVDs and found one of my favorite work out videos and stuck it in and did a full 30 minute work out.

Granted I didn't feel as worked as I do when I run on the treadmill or as sweaty as I do when I work with my personal trainer but my heart rate got up and stayed above 14o or so. The point though, at least tonight, was not that I burned X amount of calories or that I ran so far or so long without stopping. The point today was that I got out of my little self pity grave and did the work. Its like I said before, take pride in the little things. Today, I needed to take pride in the fact that I actually did a work out no matter what kind of a work out it was, and so I am. I am not proud I let my emotions drag me down so quickly like that, not at all, but I am proud of the fact that with a little help from my heavenly father I was able to stand up and do a little something to contribute. I was able to just have consistency in making myself work out. One step at a time.

I realize I am going to have those really bad days mixed in with the really good ones and then the average ones. The point though, is going to be not to dwell on the bad ones, but look forward to the good ones that are right there on the horizon.

Something insperational

Today has been a slow day starting but I was about to head to the gym when I heard this song and it struck a cord in me. I am a very musical person and so music has a way of touching me that nothing else can. My sister just recently told me that every day we need to find something, anything, to look forward to that we enjoy. Well I'm taking that one step farther. Every day on this journey I am going to try and find something, anything, for a spark of inspiration to reach my next goal. Today this song is what I needed to hear to set me on fire and do what I needed to do.

P.S. I just got back from the gym and I am pleased to report
I just ran my first 12 1/2 minute mile! Maybe that song
had more of an impact than I thought :-]

A tough time washed down with some good news

This last week has been, a trial in more ways than I can even count at this point. it felt like everything was caving in on me all at once including not being able to loose weight. For three weeks I didn't drop a single pound and I saw some pictures of me that were really discouraging. I felt even bigger than when I had started and I hate that feeling but sadly me knee jerk reaction is to eat more. Not good.

One of the highlights of my week though was a letter I got from my Grandma Walker. She praised me for the work I was doing and then also cautioned me to maybe try and take smaller steps, set smaller goals that I could reach and not get so discouraged so quickly. I thought about that and realized she was right. I still want to loose the 100 lbs in 12 months but what about in between? I started to really think about that and it raised a few questions. How do I get from 230 to 130? What are the stepps I need to take every day to get there? What are some micro goals that I could set for myself that I could reach in less than 12 months and be proud of? After thinking those questions over I finally came up with a few answers and they may not be what anyone is expecting but here they are.

I realized I needed to a) pace myself. at first I was burning 700 t0 1000 calories per workout and then only eating 1200 calories a day. That means my calorie deficit was between 1000 and 1300 calories. My body was literally going into starvation mode and holding on to everything after that first 4 lbs. So in pacing myself I mean, make myself stop working out after about a half hour to 45 minutes. That may sound strange, but after talking with my Personal Trainer, I realized that more is not always better. My second realization was that I needed to not totally beet myself up over a workout missed or a few hundred calories over my limit. I needed to take life as it came at me and if I did miss a workout to buck up and make sure I went the next day.

So this week I have not had a perfect run by any means. Since last Monday I missed a work out and only had two workouts over 35 minutes. I haven't been counting my calories, well at least not till yesterday, and I haven't even really been watching what I've been eating. I was in a slump, let me tell you, when I went to my session this morning, but to my amazement there was good news to be had. I had lost 4% body fat and not only that I had dropped another 2 lbs. I was so thrilled! That being said, now I need to get back on track and start counting calories again. if I just let myself go in the eating department I will stop seeing results. I guess the reason I shared all that with you was because even if you feel like you have really messed up its not a total waist. for me I lost 2 lbs during a week I was sure I had gained some. God has a funny sense of humor like that.

be glad in the little things

a few weeks ago I was talking with a few good friends of mine and Wayne asked me, "what things HAVE you accomplished?" he wanted me to see the little good things in my life , the things I had completed and done well instead of focusing always on the negative. Not much came to mind during that conversation but since then I have been thinking about some of the smaller things I have accomplished like dropping 4 pounds in one week and finishing my first short film. That's right, my first short film totally completed. Its really very short and put together like a PSA ( public service announcement) but I put my heart and soul into it. there are a few kinks I still need to work out but for the most part it is finished and I thought it was high time to share it with all of you.

Just a little thank you

Today I don't have a whole lot to say other than thank you to everyone who has been commenting on this blog either on the blog of via email. I don't think you all really realize how much those comments have helped me. Especially to Megan for her comment and to Myleah for loading my Ipod with Learn to Fly. Before My Ipod died that song ministered to me so much and I wanted to post it on here for all of you. Thank you all.
Here It Is

adding insult to injury

This week has been the hardest week I have had in a long time. I don't know it just feels like getting out of bed to go to work in the morning is hard let alone pushing myself to actually go to the gym. Oh don't get me wrong, I have gone to the gym every day this week but it has been a struggle to do so. As for my eating right, well that hasn't exactly happened this week for me. And as if things weren't getting me down enough my ipod just quit on me so now I have no music to get me going when I am cranking it out on the treadmill or elliptical! I am trying to see what God could possibly be trying to teach me through this and I just can't see anything.

A hum, a hau and a little bit of honesty

So my internet has been down for the last few days and before that I went on a camping trip with a few friends so I am gong to try and catch up al in one post, oh boy.

So last week I worked out like it was the last week I had to live. I was burning over 1000 calories a day and only eating 1200 calories. Thats not good, but I was determined to drop another 4 lbs. Well it seriously backfired on me and I didn't loose a single pound! I talked to my PT about it and she told me that that was probably because I was so over exerting my body and under eating that it started to freak out and hold on to absolutely everything because it had no clue what was going on. She explained to me that there is a peek you reach with working out and then you start going back down hill even though you are working your butt off. your muscles start to tear and your body can't function correctly. So thats why this week I have very little to show for busting my butt, however this week I am trying to get back on track and do it the right way.

Well as you know this is week three and I am having a really hard time of it. Not only did I loose no poundedg, I am having a hard time, like murderously hard time, sticking to 1200 calories consumed. Blagh! I don't think I am totally over doing it but then again I wouldn't know because I haven't been counting them. It stinks and I am kicking my self for it but that only makes me want to eat more and the vicious cycle continues.

So now is the time for brutal honesty, Working out alone isn't going to get me to my goal. I have to eat right coupled with working out for this to work and I need to start now. I know week three is nearly over but I am starting now and I am going to watch what I eat and try my darnedest to get back on track. I will let you know how it goes

Not such a good sign

Today I went to the gym around 8:30 am and got on the elliptical but the thing is about 10 minutes into it I was just...done. I didn't have the heart to continue and my legs hurt and I just wanted to quit. I managed to stick it out for 30 minutes but I had just burned over 400 calories and that isn't nearly enough. I got off the elliptical and decided to lift some wights to try and bring myself out of the depression state I could feel myself just slumping into and low and behold I was able to lift wights, do jumping jacks, and walk on the treadmill till I got my calorie count up to 700. it felt good and I realized its almost the end of the second week, I need to change up my routine. See the thing is, with all my weight loss attempts in the past the end of week two the beginning of week three is a death sentence for said attempt. So this, this is scary for me. I am praying that God can get me through this and help me to not just give up and quit like I have so many times before. Well...time will tell.

Just another deep breath and a smile might help

Today was a harder day than I have had in the last week and a half. what do I mean? Normally I can go to the gym and just pump out the work out and be done and feel good about it. Today on the other hand, decided to go swimming to change it up a little but to my utter dismay I only burned 233 calories in over a half hour. I just got out of the pool. I couldn't handle working as hard as I can while swimming and not being able to get my heart rate over 142. So I got home changed and went back to the gym and joined my friend Mr Elliptical. I got the rest of the 470 calories that I needed for the day but that rocky start really shook me. I hadn't expected to be so disappointed by it but I was. So now that I got that off my chest I am taking a deep breath and trying not to give into the sad feelings that will lead me right down the path of eating a ton more calories than I should. Another deep breath. Some of you might wonder why its getting to me so badly when I went out and burned the calories I needed to burn. For me the way I start determines my whole day...its sad but true and today I didn't start well. Last deep breath. I am planning on at least finishing this day strong and not giving in. Lets keep our fingers crossed and a true smile about the good things in the day. I need to do that more, focus on the bright side of things so here I go. I am actually very beautiful even though a lot of that beauty is covered. I did go and bust out 733 calories today. There, a few good things really do help.

Oh me Oh my...yeah I over did it

So today I went ahead and worked out for almost two hours and you know...that was just a little over the top. It feels great but at the same time I know it took a lot out of me. My main reminder, the shinsplints that are shooting pain up my legs. yeah, not fun, but at the same time its good. To a certain extent pain means I am actually doing something and that is a reminder I need. Oh yeah, I almost forgot, this last week I said goodbye to four pounds. Thats right. FOUR POUNDS! I'm totaly stoked!

1300 calories YAY!

No I didn't eat that much today...that would be sad...I burned that many! I got up today and decided I should star the week out with a BANG! so I burned 1300 calories to start off with. it was hard don't get me wrong but it was worth it.

Have my cake and...well...not really want to eat it too

As strange as this may sound I have decided to combat my deep desire for eating sweets with baking them. Somehow in a strange way spending hours baking something makes me less prone to eating too many sweets in general and no, I don't like my fingers. I don't know what it is about it but it helps so I am throwing myself into it with full force. I spent a little money getting a few things that a cake baker needs and yesterday baked my first fully chocolate molding covered cake. I also made the chocolate molding all by myself. It was great fun to say the least but it did take me 6 hours to finish the cake from start to finish but you know, it was worth it. I enjoyed the process, and my friends really liked the cake. I think this might become a weekend habit for me. it not only helps curb my appetite for sweets it gives me something productive to do instead of just focusing on how much about myself I am trying to change right now.

EEEP! I love my gym!

I think the title summed this one up for me for the most part, I love my gym! Today I was working out and one of the Personal Trainers came up to me just to say he was impressed with how much I had been working out and asked me what I was planning on doing (as far as working out goes) and he isn't even the personal trainer I work with! It was such an incentive boost. I don't think he even realizes how much of a boost it was to keep me going through my work out. to sum it all up...I LOVE MY GYM!

One deep breath...fallowed by another

Today I was on the elliptical for 40 minutes like as usual but today I decided to try something a tiny bit different to finish off my day of working out. I got on the treadmill and walked for five minutes then kicked it up to 8 mils an hour for a whole minute. Okay, so that my not seem like a whole lot out there but it was a big step for me. To run a full minute at a decently fast pace. I feel good about myself today and that is a rather unfamiliar feeling for me. Sure I still have a long way to go, and I will feel better as that time progresses but for today it feels good to feel like I actually am going to make it.

Its a good day

Today I got home from work and basically went straight to the gym for my second appointment with my personal trainer. It was, very hard but really good at the same time. My shoulders and legs are burning as well as the abs that I still am trying to believe are actually there. Anyway I am excited for the next session, as crazy as that sounds, but I am. I burned over 1000 calories today an I am really watching what I eat. step by step I am on my way to the goal I set and that makes me truly smile. one step at a time, that's my new motto.

Calories Be Gone!

Yesterday I confessed to a total lack of self control on my part but today I am starting anew! I just got back from the gym and I wanted to write this before my day ran away from me so I just turned off my calorie counter and sat down document my morning. I got up today and let me tell you, the last thing I wanted to do was go to the gym and blast off some calories. it would have been so easy to give into my screaming muscles, telling me to just take it easy, and turn off my alarm and go right back to bed but I am glad to report that that is exactly what I didn't do. I got out of bed, though reluctantly I admit, and headed to the gym. I decided to walk there to give my muscles a little bit of a stretch before I attacked those extra calories and that built up fat with all the vengeance I could muster. I am proud to report that I did just that and I didn't give up. I burnt 1300 calories and feel amazing. I know I am still at the starting line up but with every step and every calorie burned I am getting closer to my goals and a healthier life.

Tomorrow is a new day

I have a feeling this title will pop up more than I'd like it too, lets just cross our fingers and hope that doesn't happen. well you might be asking yourself why I say that...I'm getting there. So today was a good day. I got up, had a good calorie conscious breakfast: a granola bar, a half of a cup of yogurt and some water. I was feeling good though granted a bit hungry then went to church. after church we went to a restaurant and even there I was a good girl. I had a salad with about a 1/4 of the Caesar dressing they normally put on it and only 6 croutons and some more water. I was feeling pretty good about myself till this evening rolled around. Ok to be honest maybe it started a little earlier than that. when I got home from lunch around 2:30 I had a banana and a lunch bar. I was honestly starving so I felt this was a good compromise. This evening was game night with my small group and I was delegated to bring some Pizza. I was only going to eat one piece and water then things got out of hand. yeah that plan back fried on me horribly. I had three pieces of pizza, one bread stick and then to top it all off there was chocolate. Oh my goodness, could that get any harder? Pizza and chocolate! But it wasn't just any chocolate it was Reese's Peanut Butter Cups! It was ridiculous and sadly I gave in. It was good for the first two then the next two just made me sick. I knew that I would have to face the wrath of the elliptical to try and burn off what ever I was stuffing into my mouth and yet I couldn't quite bring myself to stop! I am an an addict in the most rudimentary form. I am addicted to food and it is HORRIBLE! well Mr. Elliptical I'm going to try to get a good night sleep with all this darned sugar in my system and then...here I come. Its time for me and you to duke it out to the death. Ok so maybe that is a little extreme but its the thought that counts. Eyes take your last look at those amazing peanut butter filled chocolate cups because its the last time you will be looking at them for a very long time, I mean it.

Step one of...well who's counting

so yesterday was the first day that I had with my Physical Trainer and it was brutal. I am so far gone out of shape its so sad but its great to know that that won't last long. no sir or madam...I am changing one step at a time. So today...well to say the least i am really feeling it and my muscles aren't liking it too much. The nice thing is, today was my day off so I get one day of rest before hitting the gym again. it feels good to know I am actually doing something to change instead of just wishing for it.

I just watched this video that made me cry. it is amazing, I'm not the only one out there. What was I thinking!? Of course I'm no the only one dealing with being fat. If you are reading this and hear it with an angry voice, you are in the right. I am angry. I am angry with myself for letting myself go so far. I am angry that I have barfed excuses all over the place because I was just too lazy to get off my fat butt and do something! come on! So this is my resolution. Next summer I want to post a video response to this one with astonishing results. I am done being that fat girl. I am done going through bouts of depression because I have no defined chin and I look like a few stacked marshmallows. This is where it ends. One step at a time and the first step is being fed up enough to actually do something about this.