Attitude of gratitude

The past few weeks I have been thinking a lot about how grateful I am or am not. I started weighing out the am's and am not's and then today it struck me how ungrateful I am about the things I should absolutely be grateful about. I know this is all a bit repetitive but bear with me for a minute longer. Today for instance I was talking with a friend about apartments and views from said apartments and in slight jest I said something about how terrible my view was and what not. Then it hit me so hard it almost hurt. Why am I complaining about anything about my apartment? I have a roof over my head, a bed to sleep on and plenty more like a couch, a nice dining room table, a TV, books, a computer, a fridge that has food in it and so on and so forth. How can I complain about anything having to do with my apartment when I have oh so much to be thankful for? You know I found myself actually getting mad with myself. How dare I complain about my view when you know...it really isn't that bad. How dare I complain about something so trivial when there are people in Joplin who have lost EVERYTHING over night and yet find things to be grateful for?

I could go on about the things in the past month or so that I have complained about that are so...there aren't even words for it. Is it really that hard to find something to be thankful for rather than complain about something else? It shouldn't be. My prayer with this frustration is God would take it and use it against my complaining and ungratefulness. I want Him to use me in any way that He would and will He choose to use me when I have a spirit of ungratefulness towards the things He has blessed me with? Personally...I don't really think so.

So where do I go from here, simply be grateful for that which I have been blessed with and stop looking at the negative side oh so much. Yep...a genuine attitude of gratitude....that's the goal.

Cramps...oh boy

Today I met with my personal trainer for the first time in three weeks. It was a great first time back but my body wasn't at all happy with me. I made it through though and decided to try some cardio and about 10 minutes into my stomach, sides, and legs started cramping up. its amazing how quickly ones body can fall out of all training. Well now that I'm through being sick and back on the workout train.

Starting a Brand New Schedual

As some of you know I have been sick off and on for a while. The last three weeks have been full of ups and downs for me that had me really frustrated. I didn't feel like I could get ahead of this cold. I would feel really good for a day or two then it would wipe me out again. I think in three weeks I worked out a whole of 3 times...maybe. Even though I have somewhat enjoyed the down time I know that along with my non working out came a steady diet of sweets, fast food, and everything that I have been trying to train my body away from. On Monday I decided to go to the doctor because I was sick of this roller coaster. Turns out I had bronchitis. So even though I had a legitimate excuse for not working out I had no excuse for the way I was eating. Sitting here today after breakfast I realize how absolutely easy it has been to slide right back into the habits that made me want to change my life nine months ago. If we don't actively check ourselves daily those nasty black habits jump as soon as they can and sink their hooks into you even deeper than the first time around.

Well the doctor had given me antibiotics and so I've been taking those for the last five days and the broncitis is finally clearing up. The cold still lingers a bit but that I can deal with. Come Monday I am back at the gym. I won't be starting exactly where I left off but I am planning to work up to it in a jiff. With that starting work is picking up as well. Putting my shoulder to the plow again is actually something I am looking forward to.

~Meran~

Another chink in my armor

This Poem isn't anything really great just my thoughts with a little flair to them. I went back and reread the post I put here back on January 22nd and I realize that I've only managed to act on half of what I said back then. Sure I aired my dirty laundry and said "so what" but the fallow through with the "so what" hasn't exactly come along very well. I was talking to a good friend last night and he pointed out that I was letting other things that happened to me define me, not so much what I myself did or didn't do. He told me (in nicer words mind you) to get over myself and stop playing the victim because it was only doing more damage instead of keeping me safe like I thought. I didn't want to hear it but in all honesty he was absolutely right. For the entirety of my teen and adult life I've taken hold of painful things said and done to me and I've held them so close to my heart making this shield. Because of that I haven't been able to really reap all the amazing blessings that God has set around me through all my relationships. Even more than that, because of this barrier that I have managed to erect around myself, I haven't been everything God might have me be to my friends, my clients (I'm an in-home senior care provider), and my family. That is a tragedy and I am taking that next step so that God can use me in whatever capacity He sees fit. Like I said back in January, "I'm done with hiding from the past. The past was the past...the end. I am no longer my past. I am me, now, current. So who cares what happened back then...I don't any more." I am done with the past. I've let it chew on my long enough. So back to the poem. Here is where I was and where I have come to in a nutshell. After that big spiel the poem might be a bit repetitive but here it is anyway.

The Vision and The Truth

A blubbering idiot

that can't stay still or be quiet

A silly child

with fanciful dreams

A whimsical nothing

who would want to try it?

And if they did

they'd just pick up and leave

An uneahling heart

with damage extensive

Wallowing pain

that still knocks at the door

A martyr, a victim

thoughts morbid and pensive

too damaged goods

with a low ranking score

A beautiful child

of a God great and holy

One who is loved

past the smoke screens and scars

An image of truth

that Christs blood cleanses only

A healing redemption

sealing the lies behind bars

Feeling hurt and alone

may be part of this life

A cruelty

None can avoid

But Christ gives His hand

Sets us free from the strife

if we let him

He will keep us from being destroyed

The lesson I've learned

through the talks and the tears

Is to humans

I may not measure up

But my heavenly Father

throughout all my years

loves me

no matter what

So with the heartache I've come upon

and the wrongs I've endured

I can choose

If I let them define me

Or I can pick up the truth

vision no longer obscured

Taking Christ

Leaving the rest behind me

Getting Back

I'm slowly trying to get back into the swing of things and thanks to some encouragement I have managed that starting last night. I was planning on being a total bum, watching tv and eating food that wasn't by any means on my diet plan. I told a friend this and he reminded me of my other post...the one about no more excuses. I didn't want to listen to him but I couldn't ignore it. So I got off my butt and went to the gym. I was planning on being there for only about 20 minutes but ended up jogging for 30 and spent 10 minutes on the stair stepper. After that I relaxed in the the hot tub and steam room and did a few laps in the pool. I finally felt like I deserved ( at least somewhat) the sleep I have been craving. It was good so thanks Steven. Now I need to get back to normal. I am heading off to Zumba soon as well and hopefully I can jump right back on the wagon. Hopefully I will have kicked this cold to the curb completely by the end of the weekend so nothing will be holding me back.

Excuses...excuxes...ENOUGH!!!

So I just re-read the my last post on here and my pizza is turning in my stomach. I sounded so determined that last post and then after a few days of feeling a bit better this clod took me out of the work out scene yet again. However instead of standing by what I know is right and eating better even if I can't work out every day like I used to I ignore everything and chow down on Pizza and Oreos. I hate this! I am so freekin' good at making excuses for myself and then getting all bent out of shape when I gain a few pounds! I make myself so mad sometimes. Alright enough excuses. It might be the middle of the week but I am going to turn up the heat. I'm not going to make it to the gym ever day simply because my body is still under this wretched cold and I don't want to set my health back but I am taking control of my eating again. This is ridiculous. I can't let all these weeks of feeling great about myself and the progress I've made just because I feel like crap. Okay...venting is over. Back to life

Time to play catch up

So today I realize I have been calculating what I am having to do to get back into the swing of things. After a week of being out of any routine of working out or eating I have a feeling I will have a few extra pounds to work off and I am not looking forward to that. So I am going to try and enjoy my last few days of freedom and hit the treadmill hard come Monday.

This last week

Its been a while since I've been on a few things have happened in that time. First of all I visited home and that was so amazing. I loved seeing my family. The downside to visiting home was all the amazing food that everyone wanted to feed me. Despite the amazing food I did manage to workout every single day I was at home except Sunday. It felt really good staying on top of my working out and I actually managed to run 5 miles on my mom's treadmill!

So now for the downside of my visit. I started feeling under the weather when I first got there and it went downhill from there. By Sunday I was really feeling under the weather and my stomach wasn't letting me digest anything. I was hoping that I would be feeling alright to go to work on Monday but Sunday around 11:00pm or so it took another nasty downswing and that's where I've been till yesterday. Things started looking up in the health department for me. Today I have a remnant of the cough and sniffles but other than that I'm good to go :D

~Meran~