3.5

I lost 3 1/2 lbs this week! I feel amazing and let me tell you it wasn't the easiest week ever. I cheated on my eating plan but I counteracted that with a few great workouts and they payed off! the pest plan, of course, is to stick to ones eating plan but all of us know that sometimes we fall off the wagon. the difference is if we stay off the wagon or not. anyway that's all for today....ok one more thing...God is so good!

Feeling strong

I don't have much to say today but I feel good and I wanted to share that. I just got back from a good jog and I feel sort of empowered. For the first time since high school I jogged for 10 minutes straight, outside, and uphill. Sure my asthma chimed in but I powered through it. I walked for a while then jogged some more and all in all I was working out for 40 minutes. Tomorrow I go to weigh myself...cross your fingers for me.

Me, the real me

I started this whole loosing weight / getting into shape thing as a way to start a new life. Actually that goes back even farther. I came to Colorado so that I could leave everything about my life that I hated and start fresh. I wanted to start with new people who knew nothing about me so I could be whomever I chose to be. Then I started this new eating program so that I could be my best in every way. God gave me this body to take care of and I abused it with food and let it get out of control. Now I'm trying to renovate but I realized something today. I can paint and repaint the door of the closet as many times as I want but that doesn't change the fact that the shelves inside the closet are filled with trash and things that I am ashamed to let people see.

I might be mistaken but isn't part of being a Christian being transparent? I think so. Back to the closet analogy, why is it that when there are stains in carpet or knicks in the walls we try desperately to cover them up so that no one can see them? Why cant we simply admit that we made a bad decision that resulted in stain or a hole that we have to just live with now? am I totally talking in riddles that only I understand?

As humans, as Christians, why do we try an bury our past hoping that no one ever finds out those dirty little secrets? why cant we admit that we are screwups outside of the grace of God? I started this eating program wanting to be who God is making me be but I realized all I am doing is running from who I was. So here it is, full disclosure.

For eight years I was addicted to pornography and only by Gods power was I able to stop. I have been clean from that for nearly a year and a half now and it feels great. In High School I was suicidal and tried killing myself even though I was the smily always cheerful daughter of the Church missionary. I nearly abandoned my faith when I was 16 because two of my close friends passed away. There it is, my dirty laundry. I'm done with it. I am putting it in a bag and taking it to the dumpster because it is not who I am any more.

If anyone is reading this who knows me they may be totally shocked and then again they may shrug and say it wasn't all that bad. Either way I am done covering up these stains and pretending they aren't there all the while terrified someone would find out. I was who I was but that isn't me any more. I am who God is making me and I am proud of that. No more hiding and wondering how people would act around me if they knew my secrets. no more. I'm done with hiding from the past. The past was the past...the end. I am no longer my past. I am me, now, current. So who cares what happened back then...I don't any more.

Food glorious food!

Everyone says that diets leave you hungry all the time but I have just proven them wrong! I had chicken with, onions, peppers, mushrooms and a HUGE salad! it was so delicious and filling. I also was able to find a few sugar free deserts that are going to really help me stick to this eating program

A Realization

I have realized something about myself that has really made me stop and take stock of how I see myself, how I think God sees me. Even though I know I am on my way to a healthier life style I struggle so much with, for a lack of a better way to say it, self esteem. I can't seem to see myself as the beautiful child of God that my heavenly father sees and loves. I can't bring myself to admit that I am just fine the way God made me, that I'm best the way God made me. The feeling of inadequacy just slaps me out of no where and I lash out against it, well at least I try.
I have realized that the way I lash out is by drastically changing something about myself that I know everyone will notice. I want to be seen, and commented on so that I don't feel so inadequate, so invisible. I always would say that I did it because, I just wanted to but now that I am trying to look at my life through the right filters I realize how scared I am of being just me. That's part of the reason I am where I am now. Sweets were my best friend because they always delivered what I was expecting, they never ignored me or told me to be quiet. I know this sounds crazy but its an epiphany I needed to have. God loves me so much and that should be more than enough for me but for some reason to my human heart it just isn't.
So now that everything is said, I am reevaluating. I need to accept, no embrace the unconditional love of my savior no matter how I "feel" at that moment. He loves me. From now on, that's enough. I'm leaving in the horrendous orange that the bleach left behind as a reminder that stepping out doesn't always have the desired effect. it could go horribly wrong and look disgusting. Did that make sense?

~Meran~

From the Holidays to Real Life

I have never said this before but I am honestly glad the holidays are over. I am always glad for an excuse to give presents and bake abundant amounts of goodies and the holidays are the perfect time for that. However, this year was the first year where I was trying to eat right during this time of merriment. It was practically murder this year and I avoided baking because I couldn't eat any of the goodies. I admit I did fall off the wagon for two weeks but now that I am back on I am saying for the first time in my life, I am glad the holidays are over. I am getting back on my eating plan and staying on it for good this time.
The holidays are great fun but now its back to real life for me and real life is this. I am 97 lbs over weight, I have a history of heart problems in my family, and the fact is if I don't get this under control it is very possible I could give myself type two diabetes and or have a heart attack before I'm 70. I may not be clinically spot on with these assessments of my health but it can't be far off. So this is my reality check and back to real life it is.