A sweet sweet habit

Let me start off by saying I have made progress. I have worked out almost every day, I have actually lost weight, I am sleeping better but I am still making choices I shouldn't. Yes, you guessed it, Chocolate is that bad decisions name. Yesterday I was running on only a few hours of sleep because of a decently disturbing sleep talking exchange I had with Steven. Trying to fight sleep deprivation at work I turned to the two things that have long been my energy buddies, Starbucks and Chocolate. The caffeine and sugar combo is a bit of a magical potion for me. Even as i was buying the chocolate I knew, I knew it wasn't a good idea. I had already gone on a walk to try and wake up so I had no other options, right? Wrong! But even though I knew that I still went ahead and ate the whole chocolate bar with my coffee. After the first few squares it lost most of its appeal but I kept eating. I felt guilty afterwards but since it did the trick I decided to let it go. I'm not beating myself up about it, but I think its important to understand decisions, whether right or wrong.

Today Mother nature came a knocking and it has not been a very pleasant day for me today. I did make it to the gym but that was before she had fully settled in and since then it had been an uphill battle. Because of the emotional frustration about the physical pain I was craving chocolate again...so badly. That little tease has always been my go to fix and today I wanted my fix. But I resisted. I didn't want to make yesterdays decision. Instead I came home, curled up on the couch and tried to put it out of my mind. It worked for a little while but I was determined to not make the mistake two days in a row but the beckon of sweet sweet chocolate was calling my name. I decided to look up some small concoctions that I might be able to whip up for my chocolate fix without "breaking the bank". I found a great mousse recipe wand was really very excited. Well one thing led to another and my helping ended up being half the batch. 

I guess my point is that even though I started out making the right decision today, I didn't follow through with it. In the end, follow through might matter more than intention. Its hard to think about but its a good lesson to learn earlier on in the process.

One day at a time

   

 



           When I remembered the time in my life that this blog covers I remember it being so easy. I remember just sailing along with weight loss and sticking to my plan like super glue. Those memories have, in a lot of ways, crippled my attempts at getting healthy since. I have allowed those memories of breezing through 50 lbs of weight loss in 4 months to cloud my judgment and to greatly influence every emotion I had towards getting back in the saddle. Then I decided to actually re read the blog for encouragement, maybe reading my own words would help light the fire again. What I discovered was that I had fantasized and glorified the time line and my progress. I hadn't remembered the fact that my journey had span over a year instead of the 5 months or so that I had in my head. I realized that I slipped and failed more than I had EVER remembered. but most of all I realized that the devilish holidays that I thought did me in last time, actually were just a blip on the radar and I had made it though just fine. all of these lies that I had unknowingly told myself had added up into an impossible bar to reach and so I quit before I even started. So sad

So I am glad to say that today officially marks the 6th day of my life long transformation. I have learned a lot in the last few years and have been forced to see the past as it is, instead of though rose colored glasses. I have tried a few at home type programs with exercise videos and meal plans and have discovered that that is just not for me. It works for a LOT of people but I am not one of them. I have tried joining a lot of "cheaper" gym options to save a buck and after a bit it just fell flat because they didn't proved enough verity, unlike the 24 hour fitness I was a part of during the time I was successfully losing weight.



Finally, after re-reading this blog, something felt like it just fell into place. I went to the nearest 24 Hour Fitness and signed up for a year. If that was the only gym that was going to work in m mind, I'd be damned to let that little block get in my way any more. Enough is enough. Its time to tackle this monster to the ground! It wont be easy and it will take a long time to loose my weight but the truth is, keeping this monster  chained up will probably take a lifetime. That is something I have finally come to grips with. The weight is just a symptom of habits and mindsets that have developed for the last 27 years and it will take at least that long to break them if not longer.

I will have good day's and I will have bad days but in the end I will come out victorious! how do I know this? Because I have a wonderful man that is 100% supporting me and I have a God who loves me very much supporting both of us. It will not be easy, but it will be worth it.





       

Can We Just Porn-y Up and Face Facts

Today One of my friends posted an article on Facebook about this new movie. Here is the article and it is, in my opinion, worth a read. It talks about the effect that pron can have on a relationship and how prevalent it is in our society today. Being a porn addict myself (three years clean) I can totally agree with this article from both sides. I was doing a little research on the movie because it intrigues me that such main stream actors would back a movie that outs something that is so defended in our society. It gave me hope for a minute. Maybe main stream is realizing what a cancer it actually is. I was on IMDB and there were a few threads that caught my eye. One was called Kinda Pissed About This Movie. I was curious to see what they had to say and so I started to read. Here is the opening post:

"Hi. I'm a guy, I've watched porn in my life. 
Got a girlfriend who said she was fine with that, but after a couple of times she found porn in my internet history and broke down crying, it became clear that she wasn't okay with it. So I quit, haven't watched porn in about a year and a half. Her feelings are just more important. The thing is, she still gets upset about it, and now every time an advertisement for this movie comes up she gets all mopey for a while...."

The comments that followed either made me smile or made me want to yell...quite literally. Here are a few that were nice and made me smile just a little bit:
One woman replied "Awww" to him saying that his girlfriend's feelings were more important than the porn. 
Another person replied "you're a keeper."

"Maybe leaving it because of just the girlfriend is not the best motive, but it's a good one. Other people on this thread were saying stupid things like telling the girl to *beep* off, its the guys life not hers. They dont seem to know what love is. Its not something selfish, on the contrary, its living FOR the loved one. So, if you leave porn (which is a bit like leaving drugs, its really hard, I assume) for someone you love... well, I find that very admirable. Let alone, porn is a bad habit."

I then had to look through 4 more pages of really sad and disturbing comments to come across this diamond:

"Unlike many of the guys here, I'm giving you (the original poster) a huge thumbs up, way to go, you're a really cool guy for having done what you have. Something really admirable  don't think it's an easy thing to do, and if other guys don't understand it, and think that they are manlier than anyone for watching boobs on the internet... well, pity for them." 

It took me 4 pages of posts to come across these fou comments that were even half way decent the rest made me want to, well as previously posted, yell. Here are the least offensive ones I could find:

"I don't watch porn hardly at all anyomre, and my fiance knows that I occasionally do, and if she constantly broke down and cried about it she can either deal with it like a normal human being or hit the road.The last thing I'm going to do is listen to a chick *bleep* and complain for the rest of my life about watching porn"

"she does need to develop a tougher skin and stop getting all overwrought/insecure as hell and thinking that he doesn't care about her simply because he watches porn. Heck, I had an ex who watched porn---it was just something he liked,no big deal."

"My gf doesn't care that I watch porn... she understands that all guys do it and that it's natural to be attracted to other people sometimes. Makes things so much easier :D."

"Your girl needs to grow up. You should probably tell her to do that instead of blaming a movie that you loosely identify with..."

"I can't stand women who are so prudish/immature that they can't stand that en watch porn. I'm a woman and I watch it. For the average person, it doesn't harm anything... "

"he porn is not actually the point. this guy's girlfriend could have a big problem with anything he happens to be interested in. that is the point. any guy who changes who he is and what he likes for a girl and not for himself alone is not worth respecting." 

they don't seem to know what love is...its living for the loved one. 
no, that's called not having a spine and being co-dependent. also referred to as not having a pair, and in need of growing a pair. now that's unhealthy. 

How did we fall so far? How did something so appalling become okay? And when did women who stand up for themselves and set standards for a relationship become controlling prudes and ball busting wenches? this just makes me sad. I have had first hand accounts from women who's boy friends have been into porn. I was shocked when one friend told me, "its okay with me. whatever gets him going. its not really cheating any way because she isn't a real woman." you know what she told me when they broke up and the subject came up again? well here it is, "I didn't feel like I could stand up to it because everyone says it so "normal". of course it bothered me." WOW! This "norm" is rotting out our souls and we are letting it and even defending it. We are rioting against the reality that is eating away at the support beams of our relationships. We hold up our signs and scream at the top of our lungs for the freedom to do whatever we want and be addicted to whatever substance we desire. And yet I would wager that any one of these people defending porn tooth and nail would be disgusted with someone so addicted to a substance they couldn't give it up when it rips a marriage apart. Am I the only one outraged by what I see? I know I am not and yet I feel that sometimes I am. This just makes me so sad. Such a cancer that the masses are trying to defend because the addicteion is so wide spread. God help us.

Beautiful Storm

Yesterday I made dinner and took it over to my boyfriends house. We ate and watched a movie and in true Colorado fashion the weather couldn't make up its mind. One minute it would be a downpour the next clear skies. After the movie (around 9:30 pm) we decided to tempt the weather and go for a walk. It started out just a light misting and that wasn't enough to make us turn around and go back. We listened to the thunder and watched the lightning as we walked and as we got farther and farther away from his apartment the rain began to really come down. Needless to say we got soaked! It was so much fun though, would not have traded that for anything. Holding his hand in the middle of a thunderstorm while walking through the rain seems like such a small thing but there was something about it that made it so special. Thank you Steven for that memory.

Lessons...that keep on coming

Patience and trust or the lack there of have sort of been a running theme between God and myself for just about as long as I can remember and lately He has brought them up again. Just when I think I've got a handle on something God shows me that actually I don't. The thing is I know He does but remembering that sometimes is the hardest thing in the world. I know He knows what is best and how everything will pan out but waiting long enough to see it all work out the way its supposed to and trusting that even if its not how I saw it that its still the best plan is killer. There it is again, patience and trust. God is my perfect father who wants only what is best for me and I have to remember that even if I don't see it.

Blessed

Its been a while since I've posted and part of that is I didn't feel like I had much to say. I didn't want my blog to be filled with everything that has been going south in my life, so I just didn't write at all. Then the other day a friend of mine blessed me simply by offering to help and he didn't back down when I put up my walls and with a smile turned down his help. He persisted and as small a thing as it was it meant the world to me. Then it hit me...I have something to write about and have had this whole time. I have the blessings of friends and family to write about.
Last night after that conversation I felt tears well up in my eyes, yes I'm a crier, but these were good tears. I thought back on the last few weeks and how many times my friends have wrapped their arms around me in so many different ways. Some just listen to me when I need to vent, or just when I'm talkative. Some walk me through the hard stuff and let me cry on their shoulders when I feel like my heart is breaking and everything is falling apart. Some just hang out with me for no reason other than to just hang...and in all these ways I feel embraced...loved.
How did I end up being so blessed? To have friends that laugh with me, and cry with me. Friends that aren't afraid to call me out on my wrong and who are ready to remind me how God sees me. I am unworthy to be blessed so greatly with loved ones that give me so much and I don't even think they realize how much they mean to me. Some day I hope to repay all of them with even an iota of the blessing that all of them have been to me.

One step at a time

It amazes me how much God can teach a person in as short of an amount of time as a month. Yes....I have had another epiphany. This one though is about my future and the fact that I worry incessantly about it. I mull over what could and might happen, then I mull it over some more, then I begin to worry and worry and then sooner or later stress settles in and I start sprouting gray hairs. I'm not joking about the gray hair. That really does happen when I get stressed. Anyway that's beside the point. Lately I have worried about my finances, my job, my dad and a bunch of other things and it has been driving me nuts.
Yesterday I had a really good chat with a friend and basically he told me to knock it off. He said I needed to enjoy every day as it came and stop worrying myself sick (literally) because it wasn't doing anyone any good. Till now I wasn't able or willing to hear that but last night it really sunk in deep and took hold. Have fun, he told me. Laugh, smile...take every day one day at a time. such a basic concept but so novel to me. One of my other friends said something that i thought was rather good she said: It doesn't mean that you don't think about the future...just that when you do its not in a worrying way. You have to change HOW you think about it and with that learn to live in the moment and enjoy where you're at.
For the past two years or more I have always looked ahead and said to myself, "If only I can get there...I can relax an enjoy myself." What about now? what about today? Why put all my energy into next week when I still have this week to live? This isn't to say that all my cares go out the window and I live a totally care free life...no. this just means I prioritize and select what to worry about and how much worrying I allot to it. Does that make sense?
I can't tell you how relieved I felt today waking up after theses conversations. It seriously felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders and I was suddenly free from something I had been carrying around for far too long.