A sweet sweet habit

Let me start off by saying I have made progress. I have worked out almost every day, I have actually lost weight, I am sleeping better but I am still making choices I shouldn't. Yes, you guessed it, Chocolate is that bad decisions name. Yesterday I was running on only a few hours of sleep because of a decently disturbing sleep talking exchange I had with Steven. Trying to fight sleep deprivation at work I turned to the two things that have long been my energy buddies, Starbucks and Chocolate. The caffeine and sugar combo is a bit of a magical potion for me. Even as i was buying the chocolate I knew, I knew it wasn't a good idea. I had already gone on a walk to try and wake up so I had no other options, right? Wrong! But even though I knew that I still went ahead and ate the whole chocolate bar with my coffee. After the first few squares it lost most of its appeal but I kept eating. I felt guilty afterwards but since it did the trick I decided to let it go. I'm not beating myself up about it, but I think its important to understand decisions, whether right or wrong.

Today Mother nature came a knocking and it has not been a very pleasant day for me today. I did make it to the gym but that was before she had fully settled in and since then it had been an uphill battle. Because of the emotional frustration about the physical pain I was craving chocolate again...so badly. That little tease has always been my go to fix and today I wanted my fix. But I resisted. I didn't want to make yesterdays decision. Instead I came home, curled up on the couch and tried to put it out of my mind. It worked for a little while but I was determined to not make the mistake two days in a row but the beckon of sweet sweet chocolate was calling my name. I decided to look up some small concoctions that I might be able to whip up for my chocolate fix without "breaking the bank". I found a great mousse recipe wand was really very excited. Well one thing led to another and my helping ended up being half the batch. 

I guess my point is that even though I started out making the right decision today, I didn't follow through with it. In the end, follow through might matter more than intention. Its hard to think about but its a good lesson to learn earlier on in the process.

One day at a time

   

 



           When I remembered the time in my life that this blog covers I remember it being so easy. I remember just sailing along with weight loss and sticking to my plan like super glue. Those memories have, in a lot of ways, crippled my attempts at getting healthy since. I have allowed those memories of breezing through 50 lbs of weight loss in 4 months to cloud my judgment and to greatly influence every emotion I had towards getting back in the saddle. Then I decided to actually re read the blog for encouragement, maybe reading my own words would help light the fire again. What I discovered was that I had fantasized and glorified the time line and my progress. I hadn't remembered the fact that my journey had span over a year instead of the 5 months or so that I had in my head. I realized that I slipped and failed more than I had EVER remembered. but most of all I realized that the devilish holidays that I thought did me in last time, actually were just a blip on the radar and I had made it though just fine. all of these lies that I had unknowingly told myself had added up into an impossible bar to reach and so I quit before I even started. So sad

So I am glad to say that today officially marks the 6th day of my life long transformation. I have learned a lot in the last few years and have been forced to see the past as it is, instead of though rose colored glasses. I have tried a few at home type programs with exercise videos and meal plans and have discovered that that is just not for me. It works for a LOT of people but I am not one of them. I have tried joining a lot of "cheaper" gym options to save a buck and after a bit it just fell flat because they didn't proved enough verity, unlike the 24 hour fitness I was a part of during the time I was successfully losing weight.



Finally, after re-reading this blog, something felt like it just fell into place. I went to the nearest 24 Hour Fitness and signed up for a year. If that was the only gym that was going to work in m mind, I'd be damned to let that little block get in my way any more. Enough is enough. Its time to tackle this monster to the ground! It wont be easy and it will take a long time to loose my weight but the truth is, keeping this monster  chained up will probably take a lifetime. That is something I have finally come to grips with. The weight is just a symptom of habits and mindsets that have developed for the last 27 years and it will take at least that long to break them if not longer.

I will have good day's and I will have bad days but in the end I will come out victorious! how do I know this? Because I have a wonderful man that is 100% supporting me and I have a God who loves me very much supporting both of us. It will not be easy, but it will be worth it.