But God....!

In the last month and a half I have a done a lot of thinking, re-evaluating, and self examination and let me tell you its been a ride. Not necessarily a fun or pleasant one, but a ride none the less. I have learned so much about me and how I fit into my faith and my life. I have learned to see me more and more how God sees me, and how I have got to trust in Him fully and completely.
All that amazingness brings me to today as I sit here trying to hash out my thoughts clearly enough so its not just a jumbled mess of words showing up on the computer screen. Why is it when you ask God to give you patience He seems to always send something or someone into your life that pushes every boundary of your patience to its limit and then some? Why when you ask God for strength he puts such obstacles in your way it seems there's no way to win? Those questions I have had for a long time and sometimes I ask them more than others but lately the question for me is, why is it when I ask God for peace and a calming of my heart and soul does he put more events in my life that make me worry till I'm sick? I just don't get it. I know there is a reason and I know all the cliche answers, but when you are in it its hard to hear any of that.
I can almost hear the conversation in my head.

"Okay God here is whats going on and here is what I need. Take this away so I can go on with life and so I can feel okay and whatnot. Please God. I really don't understand why this is in my life so just...take it. Please." I sit and wait and then there is a gentle, strong, powerful reply.
"I sent this to make you realize you have to call on me every second of every day. You need to remember that you need me in every aspect of your life."
"But God..."
"You can't just rub the lamp and state your wish and poof...voila there you go." His voice is gentle and beautiful but strong and I can hear a hint of chastising. Does that stop me? no!
"But...but God you said that if I asked..."
"Dearest beloved daughter, I'm not a magic genie. I am your father." His voice gets a little more stern now, "I want what is best for you and I can see the bigger picture. Trust in me and keep coming to me."
"But you said!" I sound like a three year old now and am almost ready to stomp my foot in frustration.
"I said ask and you will receive, yes that is true. Did I say it would be immediate?" His voice is still gentle but now I can hear the reproach a lot more clearly. its like he just stood up out of his throne and took a step towards me, "Did I say you would get exactly what you wanted the way you wanted?"
I shake my head, " No...but..."
"But nothing! Dear, beloved daughter, you MUST trust in me!" His voice booms for a moment then the soft stillness comes back along with a fatherly smile," Trust that I see everything. Trust that I want joy and beauty for you. Trust that I love you more than anyone on the earth, and know that in the end everything will be its best." at this point what can I say to that? he reaches out cupping my face with his hands kissing my forehead then looks me in the eyes. His eyes seem to pierce to my very soul and I tremble, not out of fear but awe.
"Beautiful soul, in the end it will be what is best if you trust in me. You may not understand how what happens can be the best or you may but either way, Daughter, you must believe that I know what I am doing in your life and in the grand scheme of things." He smiles again then lets me go to ponder and reflect.

With that conversation in my mind I step out of the throne room of God and then, seconds later, I start mulling it over and I get right back on my But Why horse! its amazing how dense we as humans can be. Amazingly frustrating is more like it. I don't know how God puts up with it...really I don't.
So today I am learning to go to God every time I need to instead of waiting till it all builds up into a massive explosions of yeah buts. I know that in most ways this is the exact same conclusion that I came to a few days back in my last post. Its a hard lesson to learn and even harder to remember because I want it all right now but like He said...He knows everything and in the end...it will be its best

To Remember and Embrace

Colossians 3:17

And whatever you do in word or deed,
do all in the name of the Lord Jesus,
giving thanks to God the Father through Him.

I am trying to remember this daily. I am to reflect Christ in good or bad. In the storm or sunshine I am to give thanks to God because He is good and loves me no matter what I may see or feel. The last few days have tested me in this and I am afraid I might have failed. I cried out with a "why" and an "I don't understand" when I should have lifted my face to God and added "but you know best and I will trust in you." This is always hard for me because I want to know. I have always been that way. I want reasons whenever anyone does anything that involves me. In the last 48 hours God has taken me by the hand and said, "trust me my child. I love you and through this pain you will come out more refined. Trust me my child." I am always amazed how patient He is with me. I keep falling on my face and he picks me up, brushes me off, and takes me by the hand once more. He is truly an amazing God. That being said even this morning I found myself questioning, and wanting more definite answers. Then He came along side me and reminded me of this:

Jeremiah 29:11
For I know the plans I have for you says the LORD.
Plans to prosper you and not to harm you.
Plans to give you a hope and a future

Oh how quickly I forget all the promises He has given me through His word! I only see a pinprick of time and I get so focused on that tiny spot that I can't back up and see the whole brilliant night sky with all its constellations, beauty and its entirety. I see one star and cry out because I don't understand how this works into the rest of the cosmos. Why is it so hard to remember that what I want, what I think I need, what I see as being best, may not be God's plan for my life. Then again it might be but He might have a different way of putting it together than I would. I sigh with a smile and almost laugh because even while I am writing this I am battling with everything I know about God and His promises that I am working to remember and embrace. He is good and knows everything that is going on and is working out for the best. I am flawed and must raise my hands to Him hourly in surrender. Its just so hard sometimes.
~Meran~

Attitude of gratitude

The past few weeks I have been thinking a lot about how grateful I am or am not. I started weighing out the am's and am not's and then today it struck me how ungrateful I am about the things I should absolutely be grateful about. I know this is all a bit repetitive but bear with me for a minute longer. Today for instance I was talking with a friend about apartments and views from said apartments and in slight jest I said something about how terrible my view was and what not. Then it hit me so hard it almost hurt. Why am I complaining about anything about my apartment? I have a roof over my head, a bed to sleep on and plenty more like a couch, a nice dining room table, a TV, books, a computer, a fridge that has food in it and so on and so forth. How can I complain about anything having to do with my apartment when I have oh so much to be thankful for? You know I found myself actually getting mad with myself. How dare I complain about my view when you know...it really isn't that bad. How dare I complain about something so trivial when there are people in Joplin who have lost EVERYTHING over night and yet find things to be grateful for?

I could go on about the things in the past month or so that I have complained about that are so...there aren't even words for it. Is it really that hard to find something to be thankful for rather than complain about something else? It shouldn't be. My prayer with this frustration is God would take it and use it against my complaining and ungratefulness. I want Him to use me in any way that He would and will He choose to use me when I have a spirit of ungratefulness towards the things He has blessed me with? Personally...I don't really think so.

So where do I go from here, simply be grateful for that which I have been blessed with and stop looking at the negative side oh so much. Yep...a genuine attitude of gratitude....that's the goal.

Cramps...oh boy

Today I met with my personal trainer for the first time in three weeks. It was a great first time back but my body wasn't at all happy with me. I made it through though and decided to try some cardio and about 10 minutes into my stomach, sides, and legs started cramping up. its amazing how quickly ones body can fall out of all training. Well now that I'm through being sick and back on the workout train.

Starting a Brand New Schedual

As some of you know I have been sick off and on for a while. The last three weeks have been full of ups and downs for me that had me really frustrated. I didn't feel like I could get ahead of this cold. I would feel really good for a day or two then it would wipe me out again. I think in three weeks I worked out a whole of 3 times...maybe. Even though I have somewhat enjoyed the down time I know that along with my non working out came a steady diet of sweets, fast food, and everything that I have been trying to train my body away from. On Monday I decided to go to the doctor because I was sick of this roller coaster. Turns out I had bronchitis. So even though I had a legitimate excuse for not working out I had no excuse for the way I was eating. Sitting here today after breakfast I realize how absolutely easy it has been to slide right back into the habits that made me want to change my life nine months ago. If we don't actively check ourselves daily those nasty black habits jump as soon as they can and sink their hooks into you even deeper than the first time around.

Well the doctor had given me antibiotics and so I've been taking those for the last five days and the broncitis is finally clearing up. The cold still lingers a bit but that I can deal with. Come Monday I am back at the gym. I won't be starting exactly where I left off but I am planning to work up to it in a jiff. With that starting work is picking up as well. Putting my shoulder to the plow again is actually something I am looking forward to.

~Meran~

Another chink in my armor

This Poem isn't anything really great just my thoughts with a little flair to them. I went back and reread the post I put here back on January 22nd and I realize that I've only managed to act on half of what I said back then. Sure I aired my dirty laundry and said "so what" but the fallow through with the "so what" hasn't exactly come along very well. I was talking to a good friend last night and he pointed out that I was letting other things that happened to me define me, not so much what I myself did or didn't do. He told me (in nicer words mind you) to get over myself and stop playing the victim because it was only doing more damage instead of keeping me safe like I thought. I didn't want to hear it but in all honesty he was absolutely right. For the entirety of my teen and adult life I've taken hold of painful things said and done to me and I've held them so close to my heart making this shield. Because of that I haven't been able to really reap all the amazing blessings that God has set around me through all my relationships. Even more than that, because of this barrier that I have managed to erect around myself, I haven't been everything God might have me be to my friends, my clients (I'm an in-home senior care provider), and my family. That is a tragedy and I am taking that next step so that God can use me in whatever capacity He sees fit. Like I said back in January, "I'm done with hiding from the past. The past was the past...the end. I am no longer my past. I am me, now, current. So who cares what happened back then...I don't any more." I am done with the past. I've let it chew on my long enough. So back to the poem. Here is where I was and where I have come to in a nutshell. After that big spiel the poem might be a bit repetitive but here it is anyway.

The Vision and The Truth

A blubbering idiot

that can't stay still or be quiet

A silly child

with fanciful dreams

A whimsical nothing

who would want to try it?

And if they did

they'd just pick up and leave

An uneahling heart

with damage extensive

Wallowing pain

that still knocks at the door

A martyr, a victim

thoughts morbid and pensive

too damaged goods

with a low ranking score

A beautiful child

of a God great and holy

One who is loved

past the smoke screens and scars

An image of truth

that Christs blood cleanses only

A healing redemption

sealing the lies behind bars

Feeling hurt and alone

may be part of this life

A cruelty

None can avoid

But Christ gives His hand

Sets us free from the strife

if we let him

He will keep us from being destroyed

The lesson I've learned

through the talks and the tears

Is to humans

I may not measure up

But my heavenly Father

throughout all my years

loves me

no matter what

So with the heartache I've come upon

and the wrongs I've endured

I can choose

If I let them define me

Or I can pick up the truth

vision no longer obscured

Taking Christ

Leaving the rest behind me

Getting Back

I'm slowly trying to get back into the swing of things and thanks to some encouragement I have managed that starting last night. I was planning on being a total bum, watching tv and eating food that wasn't by any means on my diet plan. I told a friend this and he reminded me of my other post...the one about no more excuses. I didn't want to listen to him but I couldn't ignore it. So I got off my butt and went to the gym. I was planning on being there for only about 20 minutes but ended up jogging for 30 and spent 10 minutes on the stair stepper. After that I relaxed in the the hot tub and steam room and did a few laps in the pool. I finally felt like I deserved ( at least somewhat) the sleep I have been craving. It was good so thanks Steven. Now I need to get back to normal. I am heading off to Zumba soon as well and hopefully I can jump right back on the wagon. Hopefully I will have kicked this cold to the curb completely by the end of the weekend so nothing will be holding me back.