Me, the real me

I started this whole loosing weight / getting into shape thing as a way to start a new life. Actually that goes back even farther. I came to Colorado so that I could leave everything about my life that I hated and start fresh. I wanted to start with new people who knew nothing about me so I could be whomever I chose to be. Then I started this new eating program so that I could be my best in every way. God gave me this body to take care of and I abused it with food and let it get out of control. Now I'm trying to renovate but I realized something today. I can paint and repaint the door of the closet as many times as I want but that doesn't change the fact that the shelves inside the closet are filled with trash and things that I am ashamed to let people see.

I might be mistaken but isn't part of being a Christian being transparent? I think so. Back to the closet analogy, why is it that when there are stains in carpet or knicks in the walls we try desperately to cover them up so that no one can see them? Why cant we simply admit that we made a bad decision that resulted in stain or a hole that we have to just live with now? am I totally talking in riddles that only I understand?

As humans, as Christians, why do we try an bury our past hoping that no one ever finds out those dirty little secrets? why cant we admit that we are screwups outside of the grace of God? I started this eating program wanting to be who God is making me be but I realized all I am doing is running from who I was. So here it is, full disclosure.

For eight years I was addicted to pornography and only by Gods power was I able to stop. I have been clean from that for nearly a year and a half now and it feels great. In High School I was suicidal and tried killing myself even though I was the smily always cheerful daughter of the Church missionary. I nearly abandoned my faith when I was 16 because two of my close friends passed away. There it is, my dirty laundry. I'm done with it. I am putting it in a bag and taking it to the dumpster because it is not who I am any more.

If anyone is reading this who knows me they may be totally shocked and then again they may shrug and say it wasn't all that bad. Either way I am done covering up these stains and pretending they aren't there all the while terrified someone would find out. I was who I was but that isn't me any more. I am who God is making me and I am proud of that. No more hiding and wondering how people would act around me if they knew my secrets. no more. I'm done with hiding from the past. The past was the past...the end. I am no longer my past. I am me, now, current. So who cares what happened back then...I don't any more.